Check it out at breakablenews.substack.com
I think of how it must have been for the dinosaurs dying and breathing their last gasps on the land masses of our planet 60 million years ago. I think of this as I read the news of a Capitol police officer murdered while defending our representative congresspeople from a pro-Trump and Trump incited mob who invaded our Capitol building, a building steeped in the history of our democracy. That murder should be as catastrophic as the asteroid which struck Earth leading the death of all those predatory dinosaurs.
The murder came as the result of the rioters breeching the halls of our Congress, which came as the result of incendiary Trump rhetoric over the past five years and most recently at a rally just before the attack and breech, which came as the result of Republican congresspeople naysayers questioning the legitimacy of an election proven fully legitimate by the courts and election officials from every state in the union, which came as the result of right wing sources such as Fox News, Newsmax, AON, which came as a result of false and scurrilous conspiracy theories such as QAnon, which came as a result of extreme right wing white supremacist groups such as Proud Boys and Patriot Prayer which rose to prominence as a result of Trump giving tacit, and often open, approval of these grotesque and dangerous people. Trump’s base of voters who acted with cult mentality believing, lockstep, in all of Trump’s lies and misinformation and [Read more…] about The Last Gasp of Trump and his Republican Enablers
Breakable News, news that we think you might need but you know, down deep, that you don’t need at all, had the remarkable good luck of bumping into-literally-Donald J. Trump just after he walked out of the 60 Minutes interview. He was taking what we smelled as a THC break from the stress of being asked questions “that weren’t fair” he said, in the tone and demeanor of our next door neighbor’s eleven year old. Here’s how our impromptu session went.
Breakable News (BN): Mr. President, got a few minutes?
Trump: What? Breakable? I don’t know if you people like me or not. I think you do, but I get confused by the way you put things sometimes. Kinda quirky. But people tell me you love America and you love me, so, sure, what’s on your mind?
BN: Yeah, Your Grace, we were just…
Trump: Like that, see. Your Grace. I like that. Shows respect. But no need to bow or anything like that. People might think I like England, God forbid. I didn’t bow to the queen when I met her, you know. And I told Melania, Don’t bow, you hear me. Don’t F’ing bow. Any more questions, Breakable?
BN: Right. About the pandemic…
Trump: First of all, we don’t use that word on the White House grounds. I’ve banned it, and have even ordered it removed from all dictionaries. And with my last EO concerning all fed employees, I can now fire anyone who uses the p word. Same with the c words around this little cold going around. I had it too, but thanks to a couple pills, some intravenous, oxygen, and some steroid sh-t, bam, it was gone like a squirrel up a tree. What else you got? I’m a busy man.
BN: Yeah, right. What are your plans around curing this little cold once you’re reelected?
Trump: That’s a nasty question, and you know it. You don’t ask questions like that of the President, you hear me. Who do you think you are, and who do you think I am? Your house ni….I mean, your butler? If I wasn’t standing here answering your stupid questions, I’d get up and leave like I did on that lady in there. Now what else? I can smell my filet and fries cooking. It’s close to feeding time, and I never miss feeding time.
BN: I think that’ll wrap it up, Mr. President. Deep thanks for taking the time for such an in depth interview. We’ll give you top billing on Breakable News tonight. First story.
Trump: And only story, I assume. Gotta run. And I want the tape of this talk destroyed, you understand. People might get the wrong idea.
BN: True, that.
Wasn’t that great! Such clarity. Such insight. Such transparency. Another crystal clear example of who to vote for in this next election and why.
Today’s featured recipe: Proud Boys Delicious Apple AK-47 Pie–the dish that satisfies and intimidates at the same time.
Ingredients: apples, the more tasteless the better
an AK-47 rifle, locked and loaded (for taste only)
Sugar, 10 pounds
Instructions: In big, and I mean big, pot, place the rifle.
Surround it with sliced apples and sugar
Cook for awhile. Remove rifle before serving.
Proud Boys–the adorable picture of the Boys wearing aprons and guns in their test kitchen we were unable to supply–who sent in this recipe, informed us they are well aware there is no crust involved in this traditional dish, a fact they are proud of, citing their First and Second Amendment rights, and dare anyone to criticize them.
Breakable News has learned our Dutch affliliate has been able to hack into Donald Trump’s twitter account by guessing his password, which—you’re not going to believe this—is maga2020 (true, that!). This also makes accessible the accounts of all of his 87 million followers. So we waltzed in to see what we could find.
Putin: There is the problem with Navalny, Donald, my friend. My agents were unsuccessful in fully taking care of the matter, and was wondering if you had the resources to…
Trump: Vlad, my brother, ask no further. Consider the problem taken care of. You know Quid Pro Quid, or whatever. I’ve got an agent who speaks fluent Yiddish—just joking,comrade. Navalny is toast. Gotta run. Got the rocket man coming in with a message. Kim, my friend, my love, what can I do for you?
Kim Jong Un: Comrade Donny, am needing some sanction relief to buy a couple more Jags. You good with dat?
Trump: Good? Are you kidding? Consider it done. Just don’t tell anyone, K? Whoops, gotta run. Message coming in. Starting to feel like a switchboard operator. That’s an American joke, Kimmy…or is it Jongy…or Unny. Ha Ha.
Proud Boy: Hey dude Pres. Listen , we need another endorsement since you kind of dis’ed us last week (we know, wink wink). You know, something subtle like “I am Proud to be an America, but Boy, it’s getting cold, better get my hat.” Like dat.
Trump: No problemo, Proudy. I’m on it. Check the news tonight. Jeez, gotta go, another message.
Breakable News reporter: Mr. President, so nice to reach you this morning. How are you?
Trump: Who the hell is this? How did you get into my account? It’s more secure than anything Obama or Hillary ever had.
Breakable: No problemo, sir. We just took a wild stab and there you were.
Trump: Shit, Barr told me everything was tight. That nobody could guess my password, which me myself and I don’t even remember. You haven’t read any of the past few messages, have you, Breaky?
Breakable: Oh no, sir. Mums the word. You can be sure of that, although we so suggest you might change that maga2020 password.
Trump: Why, you actually think anyone’s gonna guess that? You fake news people are nasty and stupid. Idiots! I’m banning you from this account.
And there it is, dear readers. An exclusive with our dear leader of the free world. But don’t any of you try to breach the account. You’ll get in but you might not get out.
In other news, Covid is now totally out of control in the U.S. with 215,000 deaths. The Trump Administration has no comment and Trump never mentioned it at his rally last night.Like the phrases “climate change” and“global warming” , Trump has also banned the words “pandemic”,Covid-19, and coronavirus from all government documents and has threatened agency heads with execution, Putin-style—we also learned from his Twitter account—if they utter them.
And here’s today’s feature: 10 Way(s) to Lighten Up during these challenging times (borrowed from the White House website—sorry, but all of our staff are down with Covid):
Don’t Worry: Be Happy! (repeat 10x)