Stephen Altschuler

thoughts on environment, politics, health, life issues

Donald Trump

Breakable News Breaking News, Thursday, Oct. 22, Trump’s Twitter Password

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Breakable News has learned our Dutch affliliate has been able to hack into Donald Trump’s twitter account by guessing his password, which—you’re not going to believe this—is maga2020 (true, that!). This also makes accessible the accounts of all of his 87 million followers. So we waltzed in to see what we could find. 

Putin: There is the problem with Navalny, Donald, my friend. My agents were unsuccessful in fully taking care of the matter, and was wondering if you had the resources to…

Trump: Vlad, my brother, ask no further. Consider the problem taken care of. You know Quid Pro Quid, or whatever. I’ve got an agent who speaks fluent Yiddish—just joking,  comrade. Navalny is toast. Gotta run. Got the rocket man coming in with a message. Kim, my friend, my love, what can I do for you?

Kim Jong Un: Comrade Donny, am needing some sanction relief to buy a couple more Jags. You good with dat?

Trump: Good? Are you kidding? Consider it done. Just don’t tell anyone, K? Whoops, gotta run. Message coming in. Starting to feel like a switchboard operator. That’s an American joke, Kimmy…or is it Jongy…or Unny. Ha Ha. 

Proud Boy: Hey dude Pres. Listen , we need another endorsement since you kind of dis’ed us last week (we know, wink wink). You know, something subtle like “I am Proud to be an America, but Boy, it’s getting cold, better get my hat.” Like dat.

Trump: No problemo, Proudy. I’m on it. Check the news tonight. Jeez, gotta go, another message.

Breakable News reporter: Mr. President, so nice to reach you this morning. How are you?

Trump: Who the hell is this? How did you get into my account? It’s more secure than anything Obama or Hillary ever had.

Breakable: No problemo, sir. We just took a wild stab and there you were.

Trump: Shit, Barr told me everything was tight. That nobody could guess my password, which me myself and I don’t even remember. You haven’t read any of the past few messages, have you, Breaky?

Breakable: Oh no, sir. Mums the word. You can be sure of that, although we so suggest you might change that maga2020 password.

Trump: Why, you actually think anyone’s gonna guess that? You fake news people are nasty and stupid. Idiots! I’m banning you from this account.

And there it is, dear readers. An exclusive with our dear leader of the free world. But don’t any of you try to breach the account. You’ll get in but you might not get out.

                                      ***

In other news, Covid is now totally out of control in the U.S. with 215,000 deaths. The Trump Administration has no comment and Trump never mentioned it at his rally last night.  Like the phrases “climate change” and  “global warming” , Trump has also banned the words “pandemic”,  Covid-19, and coronavirus from all government documents and has threatened agency heads with execution, Putin-style—we also learned from his Twitter account—if they utter them.

And here’s today’s feature: 10 Way(s) to Lighten Up during these challenging times (borrowed from the White House website—sorry, but all of our staff are down with Covid): 

Don’t Worry: Be Happy!   (repeat 10x)

Trump’s Plans for Buying Breakable News have Broken Down

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Because of my brother Hank’s direct appeal, Breakable News Board of Mis-Directors (BOMD) has rejected the Trump organization’s hostile bid to buy the world-ignored fake news agency for three billion USD. “You, your brother, and your whole antifa outfit are phony liberal radical left wing commies, intent on destroying American cities run by Dems and fueled by methane gas from cows and your other followers,” a steroid-infused Trump tweeted Thursday night. Nonetheless, we are adhering to our BOMD’s decision and will soldier on providing you, our loyal and limited readers, with news you probably shouldn’t bother reading. We will continue with a generous $250 grant from the Sioux City Iowa Kiwanis along with reader contributions, giving us a grand total of $252.50 in our war chest (thanks to my cousin in LA for that late arriving donation).

In appreciation to Hank for directing us away from that nasty three billion, we decided to hire him as our new head of our Breakable Sports department, with all the sports news you never knew that you needed to know but was presented to you regardless. We hired HRA immediately after he knew the answer to what was Richie Ashburn’s batting average in 1958. Both my brother who is six years older, and I grew close when we suffered through the Phillies cellar teams of the 50’s, culminating in the woebegone ’64 team, run by Gene Mauch that took a nose dive after leading the league in September and lost a sure-thing pennant. After that we, and pretty much the entire population of the City of Brotherly Love, lost all hope, and, as for Hank and I, took to the streets and pursued a life of destitution, retribution, and tribulation (I kid my brother!). Anyway, all was rectified when his daughter Ellen, my niece, married the perfect man and sports maven, and now Hank’s son in law from heaven, Mike Barkann, the best, and most respected, sports show host (and great guy) for over 20 years in Philly, a town that eats some sports figures for breakfast. Mike refers to Hank often to fill the gaps in his sports history knowledge (true, that).

And check out their wonderful family-run Barkann Foundation to discover the healing work they are doing in the community (the preceding was a bona fide Breakable News plug and, contrary to most of the other news we offer, is totally true, attaining multiple seals of approval).

Well, now that I’ve uncovered much of my brother’s and my sordid history (payback, Hank, for when you pinned me to the floor when I was 8, and tormented me, with our mother too out of range to hear my screams!), I’ll just say that we’re thrilled to have Hank, a great Overbrook High basketball player in his own right, who once played schoolyard ball with a young Wilt Chamberlain (true, that), is on staff. He will, I’m sad to say, need to accept vouchers as remuneration, and will still have to pay out of pocket for travel expenses, but, he will not have to stay at Trump hotels as the Orange man had required for the deal to go through.

Now that Breakable News has wasted most your morning with news you didn’t need to hear, we’ll conclude with a word from our (only) fake sponsor, the Sioux City Kiwanis Club:

What Me Worry? Just Vote, and make sure it’s Blue not Orange!

Trump Offer to Breakable News

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Breakable has been approached by Trump’s people with an offer to purchase the rag for 3 billion (“an offer you can’t refuse” as Trump added). They’re needing a forum after their expected coming defeat to continue feeding verifiably fake news to their adoring public, and they’ve looked at our numbers and financials and are duly impressed. Our Board of Mis-Directors is currently considering the offer and we will keep you informed as is our usual policy. 

There are however some catches. They are requiring: 

  1. the Trump brand appear in our logo, in that they require our name change to  Trump News
  2. that Trump tweets be the main daily feature
  3. that Trump have final say before publication
  4. that reporters and correspondents be required, when on assignment, to stay at Trump hotels and resorts at their own expense
  5. That armed militia members be hired to stand sentry at office entrances
  6. that only whites (not including Jews or minorities who look white or LBGTQ, actually ‘Qs are fine as long as they are QAnon people since they like America and want it to be great again) be hired (women are OK providing they meet Mr. Trump’s minimum basic standards and measurements).
  7. That no pets be permitted on premises. Too many germs.
  8. that no pandemic related masks or any social distancing be permitted either on the premises or outside or wherever.
  9. That there be no testing for coronavirus since, given his recovery, the pandemic is now officially over, and must be referred to in that manner from henceforth and hitherto throughout his God-given realm.

That’s it for now. We apologize to those readers who have become enamored of The News and can hardly sleep without reading every word and paragraph. On the other hand, most of our readers had already stopped reading as our comments, numbering just about zero, have shown. 

So we’ll be breakabling (get it?) until our BOMD makes its decision. As editor, I can’t say I’m disappointed: I’ve got other fish to fry.

Just one last award-losing recipe of the day: Fried Fish

Ingredients: a piece of fish to fry (or pieces depending on how many mouths to feed)

butter, lots

salt and pepper (for those who’ve lost their taste buds due to Covid or with heart failure, fegetaboutit)

Instructions: Heat fry pan on high and add butter. When sizzling, add fish.  Salt and pepper. Fry until all harmful bacteria are presumably dead. Serve. Eat.

B’ bye.

Breakable News for Monday, October something or other: Voter Suppression, the latest

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Monday’s edition of Breakable News, your news source for all the news you thought you could forget about but which we thought you couldn’t. 

Today we’re focusing on voter suppression, a key platform objective of the RNC.  Our ace reporter, Christiane Notsopoor ·was able to go undercover and actually sneak a tape recorder into RNC’s last meeting in a secret room, the entrance of which was hidden by a rug in a  German bakery shop in Sheboygan, Wisconsin. She posed as a Proud Girl of her Proud Boyfriend to gain entry past RNC operatives who failed to vet Notsopoor.  We present the unabridged tape to you, our esteemed and increasingly decreasing readership, today.

RNC leader, nicknamed Godfather by Trump himself, hereafter GF: Reports, por favor.

Michigan Generalisimo Herman: All systems on full stop. Mail in ballots blocked by a Trump court.  Ballots in one suburb intercepted by pandemic masked operatives and dumped. Knees of reporter for a liberal commie weekly broken.

GF: Excellent. You get an hour off at Trump National New Jersey and a covid-shake of the hand with The Boss. He says “Wear a mask and you’re fired!” Next.

Pennsylvania Generalisimo Gustav: Roger that, Godfather. We got a militia ready to roll for voter intimidation in Philadelphia, and another positioned across the street from a synagogue polling place in Pittsburgh. 

GF: What! Across the street, you say? I want those Proud Boys within arm’s length of voters at that synagogue. What do think this is, a fashion show? And make sure they look like armed militia and not girl scouts selling cookies like last time. Next. Florida

Florida Generalisimo Adolph: Trouble, Godfather.  There’s been a delay in the bill to require an original birth certificate plus a copy of their last four years tax returns from all voters.

GF: Delay. What do you mean delay? The Governor assured us this was no problem. He got everything arranged and lined up. Alright, forget it. I’ll call the SOB. He don’t play ball with us, he gets a tweet from you know who. Any other reports? How about you? Haven’t seen you before.

Christiane Notsopoor: Who me? Nah, no sweat. Latest Breakable News poll has The Boss leading by 12, as long as he stays alive.  If he dies, his supporters say they’ll still vote for him.

GF: Breakable News, eh? That’s a good source, right? On our side? 

CN: Oh sure. Like they always say over there, “Nevertheless, She Persisted.” 

GF: Right, right. I’ve seen that on cars but never quite knew what it meant. Good work. Good work. You get the next Presidential Medal of Freedom from The Boss.

                                                ***

Sorry, we’re unable to provide additional taped transcript details since our undercover reporter was given the medal of freedom but apparently disappeared shortly thereafter. She was able to smuggle the tape out though in the beak of an undercover New Caladonia crow, also on our payroll.

And that concludes our coverage of the campaign for today. And remember, A Penny Saved is a Penny Earned, and if you believe that, given this economy, you’ll believe just about anything. 

Good bye for now, Earthlings. And remember, despite today’s discouraging coverage, mostly fake though it may be, please, please vote…any way possible.

Breakable News: the President’s temperature

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Breakable News/Friday, October 9 

In an exclusive report, Breakable News—all the fake news you have no need to know— has actually learned that president Trump has, in fact, a temperature. We don’t yet know what that temperature is but his doctor—a bored certified osteopath who specializes in lifestyle changes— has assured us that his temperature has been tested and verified as an actual reading on a certified thermometer. We asked his doctor what that thermometer measured and was the temperature taken orally or anally? Here’s our interview, direct from the horse’s—er, doctor’s—mouth.

Dr. Dunno: I’m not at liberty to reveal that information due to   HIPPA regulations, Page 45, Sec. 2A, 3rd edition, but let me assure you that a temperature did register on the device used. 

BM, I mean, sorry, BN: was that an oral or an anal reading? 

Dr. D: That’s a nasty question, and we resent being asked that. What do you think, the president is a child? I’ll just say we did give him the option of which method, and he did choose rear entry. 

BN: So it was anal?

Dr.D: We no longer use that disgusting term, but I’ll just say, off the record, yes. And for your information, it’s now called rectal.

And that concludes our characteristically comprehensive report on the president’s complete physical and mental condition for today. Our investigative reporter, Bob Cordwood from our affiliate Breakaway News, is continuing to pursue this story through his various sources particularly one he calls Deep ***Hole (censored to protect any children, pets, or carnivorous plants who may accidentally read and eaten this report). He assures us he will stop at nothing until he finds out Trump’s actual temperature (we’re hoping too to get his latest Covid test result before his next Rose Garden ceremony, but that’s a longshot at this point). The American people have a right to know. 

Our Pandemic Survival Tip O’ the Day:

For those of you who don’t normally follow our award-losing reports, or any news, for that matter, when you see someone wearing a mask either on the street or in a store, please do not call 911. They are not about to rob the store or you (unless they actually are about to rob the store or you, then go ahead and stop into your local police station and let them know, assuming you don’t have a cell phone which we know are difficult to figure out.) Otherwise, follow your president’s latest directives on the virus.

Caution: if you do take disinfectant, as he has suggested, be sure to follow all dosage directions on the bottle.

Tomorrow, God willing and the sun decides to rise, our feature for the day will be How to be Happy and Broke at the same time. 

Buh bye, for now, dearest readers. Remember, any donations to Breakable News will be appreciated, have no effect on our continued operations, and will be duly embezzled.

The Fly and the Veep Debate

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Election news took some unexpected twists and turns so Breakable news enlisted our affiliate Breakaway News for today’s fake news report.

After last night’s Vice Presidential debate, a shocking 700,000 tweets and retweets (not fake news either) related to “The Fly. So we sent our investigative reporter Bob Cordwood to see what all the buzz was about. Bob caught up with The Fly at a Utah cafe.

BC: So Fly, how did you manage to get into the facility? I understand security was rather tight. Mind if I tape the interview?

Fly: No problemo. First off, my name is Sylvester, Sly the Fly, to my friends.  But you wouldn’t have known that because , to you, all flies are like peas in a pod, right.

BC: So sorry, Sly. This is my first interview with an actual fly.

S the F: Now where were we before I so rudely interrupted myself? Oh right. I’m not sure how I got in. It was like a whale heading for Alaska and making a wrong right turn at San Francisco Bay. So I’m inside this building innocently looking for a way out, which flies are wont to do, when I spot this shock of white like a still layer of foam on a polluted lake, so I sets down my landing gear—betcha ya didn’t know we have special landing gear—and land. 

BC: I see. What happened next?

S the F: Well, it was like strange. Nothing happened. I realized pretty quickly it was a head of hair—I have an extensive CV for landing on heads of hair—and almost 100 percent of the time, I get shooed away. This time, nada, no movement. I look down and see the guy’s lips moving but the head or a swiping hand, zilch, like he was a robot or something. Really odd. Never seen nothing like it before.

BC: No indication he even felt you there as anyone would? People are quite sensitive around flies landing on them.

S the F: Tell me about it. I can’t tell you how often I’ve been to the flyropracter—my flybamacare covers it—to get my wings adjusted after getting swiped. But this guy is like the Sphinx. Just a lot of blah, blah, blah from his mouth, but no standard swatting reflex.

BC: So what did you do, pull up a beach chair and chill for a bit?

S the F: Ha. Good one.  But as a matter of fact, I did just rest a bit over two minutes, which breaks the World Fly non-Flying time record by almost a minute, by the way. Finally, not having my fly-phone with me, I got bored and took off. I coulda been there all night. Then after somehow finding my way around these plastic, I think you call them plexiglass screens, I found an open window and scrammed. Anyway, that’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it.

BC: Many thanks for your time, Sly the Fly.  Can I contact you for any follow-up questions?

S the F: Sure,  but I might not get back for a day or so. Fall’s a busy time for our species. Lots of roadkill, donchaknow. Gotta go Bob. Like my favorite tune goes, 

“I’ve laid around and played around this old town too long

Summer’s almost gone, yes winter’s coming on

I’ve laid around and played around this old town too long

And I feel like I gotta travel on.”

Great tune. Always buzzing in my ear.  Hey, who was that bloke anyway?

BC: Pence, Vice President Mike Pence, White House D.C. At least for now.

S the F: I’ll remember that when I need another vacation. See ya. Take care, y’all.

***

Thanks to Bob Cordwood and Breakaway News for that most interesting report. This is a developing story as we’re sure to hear something nasty from the Veep’s boss, Donald J. Tweet (ha, ha). 

As always we at Breakable News are committed to keep you misinformed with our certified fake news. And remember: We’re the only news source with nothing to gain and nothing to lose…not even a reputation.

Later, Lovies….🙏

Trump Total Stock Market Report

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Trump total stock market index report from Breakable News, where we get all the latest reliably fake news to you, our valued readers (now down to three in our latest FB/twitter polling), in a few days or so

Financial reporters at Breakable News are on breakables today, exhausted from recent volatility in the Trump market

Seems the market has become so synced to trump that it fell sharply on news that he cut his breakfast donut count from four to three jellys and five to four chocolates in one day. Dow Industrials slipped the most followed by grocery chains. Lay-offs are immanent. Exports are down. Imports up. GDP down slightly. Deficit out the window. However later in the day trump reversed course and unaccountably increased donut consumption to previous levels. Market soared. White House sources could not be contacted for comment, although a press conference Is scheduled for 2 am tomorrow morning before the opening of days trading.

In other news, trump changed his mind five times in two days over renewed stimulus funding, admitting he had to to bolster his sagging poll numbers. Apparently he had his budget office research battleground states, not only county by county but street by street, and then house by house to determine more precise totals. Market numbers fluctuated with the results as each household was contacted. By days end there were no changes in poll numbers from the previous day. As an aside our volatility correspondent reported that five trump market brokers all jumped to their death from an open stock market window. The was no direct comment from the White House on either the polls or the deaths, but a statement was eventually issued blaming Michelle Obama, Amanda Kloots, Joe Biden, Lincoln Project Republicans, and all Democrats everywhere/all the time.

“The economy is back on track and doing great,” a phlegmatic, coronavirus-ridden Trump announced later in the day, prompting his market to soar to record levels. But five minutes later, after the unmasked supposed leader of the free world coughed and left the press conference abruptly, the market sank to a new all time low.

By the end of the day, we at the Breakable News editorial desk were unable locate our trump market reporter for a wrap up on the days outcome and analyst reactions. As usual, his phone seemed to be on the fritz and his voicemail was full and unable to take messages. We did get a call directly from the president himself but after putting him on hold, we forgot that we had done so. We finally did answer his call three hours later—he was still holding—but we had passed our deadline and hung up on him.

So in summary, we have nothing new to report on the country’s financial health, now or prospects for the future. But as soon as we know more, we’ll be sure to let you know in—as always—a few days or so.

That’s it for now. Have a wing ding of a day. And from all of us at Breakable News, relaaaaax.

Breakable News Flash/ Oct. 6

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Breakable News Flash/ All the (fake) News Unfit to Print

Our viral  correspondent Zoom Zambezi had the good fortune of stumbling upon a couple of coronaviruses having breakfast in his fav cafe yesterday and filed this report: 

ZZ: Morning, boys. What’s new?

CV1: Busy, busy. Like bees in a hive. You can’t imagine. When I took this gig, I just didn’t anticipate getting away with this for so long. Doesn’t say much about your species, does it?

ZZ: Uh. I suppose not. Where you off to next?

CV2: White House, of course. We got the word Trump, we call him Big Stupid, left the hospital before his treatment was over and insisted on getting back to work and the campaign. That’s our man. That sucker has kept us in business for months now. We couldn’t have put a better ambassador in charge if one of us was president of this gullible country. How you doin’?

ZZ: Busy too. You can imagine. I’m Breakable News viral correspondent. 24/7 for me. Never a Covid-free moment. Are you guys on break?

CV1: We demanded a break in our last contract talks. Management resisted. Said there were too many blokes out there to infect. That we had a responsibility to our species to meet them on the beaches, meet them in the air, meet them in the cities, etc. etc. Wartime footing, dontchaknow. It’s rough. We don’t get home much. Shesh, I do miss the kids. Those little pigtailed parameciums. You should see the greeting I get when I do get a little vacation time. 

CV2: And the tears when we have to return to the front.

CV1: True, that.

ZZ: How much longer you figure this war will continue?

CV2: That’s the thing. Every time we think we’re near the end, your people, led by Big Stupid, do something new to keep us infiltrating and infecting. We’ve just ordered new war hats for our troops with Keep Covid Great Again on them. It’s quite inspiring to see our troops march in the White House and Congress wearing those war hats. 

CV1: Right. And Big Stupid keeps blaming us, but it’s actually him whose keeping the war going. That seems to be his strategy, which is hard for us to swallow. We didn’t ask for this struggle. We’re ready to quit if the proper precautions are put into place, but Big Stupid is making sure that doesn’t happen. Try explaining that to my 2 month old at home!

ZZ: Tell me about it. Breakable News keeps trying to educate him and his equally stupid followers, but all we get is shit thrown back at us. It’s extremely frustrating, and our four or so readers are fed up, though we’re hopeful they continue to stick with us and carry on the fight. 

CV2: So there are those among you who don’t follow Big Stupid?

ZZ: Oh sure. A lot of good, kind, empathic, and intelligent folks. 

CV1: Well, that’s good to know. Gives us hope that we can soon end this war and get back to our families. 

CV2: Amen to that. Well, gotta get going, Zoom. Can’t dawdle too long over breakfast. There’re lungs to infect out there, and people to kill. And as long as Big Stupid stays in charge, it should be easy pickings for us front line troops. Be well, Zoom, and take care. You’re on our side, but we don’t care who we infect. Our radar tells us exactly who is least protected. We finally got Big Stupid, which is why we got a little extra time off this morning. Quite a celebration last night. 

CV1: But now we hear he’s back to Big Denial again. So off we go. Later, dude.

ZZ: Yeh. You guys take care. See you again soon, I’m sure.

Thank you, Zoom for that informative, first-hand report. 

And now, as promised, here’s today special feature: A retired guy’s guide to fashion. 

First, be sure and change your underpants and tee shirts daily, even if you don’t feel like it. Colors optional.

Next, changing socks is optional, usually not required, they might dirty faster walking around the house all day during the pandemic. 

No need for daily changing of outer clothing such as shorts, jeans, pants of any kind. But as stains increase, spousal complaints usually increase as well, so stains should be monitored accordingly.

Of course, masks should be worn in public places or when speaking with people you probably shouldn’t be speaking to anyway. Retired guys have a generally bad reputation among the general population, and have ever since ancient times, even prehistorically speaking.

And that’s about it, dear readers. Be sure to leave any comments below. They will not be read or responded to but at least you’ll have the satisfaction of having taken some action against today’s special feature. L’Chiam.