• Skip to main content
  • Skip to secondary navigation
  • Skip to primary sidebar

Stephen Altschuler

thoughts on environment, politics, health, life issues

  • Testimonials For Stephen’s Songs
  • Mindful Nature Connection
  • Mindful Golf
  • All Books

pandemic

A Breakable News Exclusive! An Interview with D.J. Trump

October 27, 2020 by Stephen Altschuler 2 Comments

Breakable News, news that we think you might need but you know, down deep, that you don’t need at all, had the remarkable good luck of bumping into-literally-Donald J. Trump just after he walked out of the 60 Minutes interview. He was taking what we smelled as a THC break from the stress of being asked questions “that weren’t fair” he said, in the tone and demeanor of our next door neighbor’s eleven year old. Here’s how our impromptu session went.

Breakable News (BN): Mr. President, got a few minutes?

Trump: What? Breakable? I don’t know if you people like me or not. I think you do, but I get confused by the way you put things sometimes. Kinda quirky. But people tell me you love America and you love me, so, sure, what’s on your mind?

BN: Yeah, Your Grace, we were just…

Trump: Like that, see. Your Grace. I like that. Shows respect. But no need to bow or anything like that. People might think I like England, God forbid. I didn’t bow to the queen when I met her, you know. And I told Melania, Don’t bow, you hear me. Don’t F’ing bow. Any more questions, Breakable?

BN: Right. About the pandemic…

Trump: First of all, we don’t use that word on the White House grounds. I’ve banned it, and have even ordered it removed from all dictionaries. And with my last EO concerning all fed employees, I can now fire anyone who uses the p word. Same with the c words around this little cold going around. I had it too, but thanks to a couple pills, some intravenous, oxygen, and some steroid sh-t, bam, it was gone like a squirrel up a tree.  What else you got? I’m a busy man.

BN: Yeah, right. What are your plans around curing this little cold once you’re reelected?

Trump: That’s a nasty question, and you know it. You don’t ask questions like that of the President, you hear me. Who do you think you are, and who do you think I am? Your house ni….I mean, your butler? If I wasn’t standing here answering your stupid questions, I’d get up and leave like I did on that lady in there. Now what else? I can smell my filet and fries cooking. It’s close to feeding time, and I never miss feeding time.

BN: I think that’ll wrap it up, Mr. President. Deep thanks for taking the time for such an in depth interview. We’ll give you top billing on Breakable News tonight. First story.

Trump: And only story, I assume. Gotta run. And I want the tape of this talk destroyed, you understand. People might get the wrong idea.

BN: True, that.

 

Wasn’t that great! Such clarity. Such insight. Such transparency.  Another crystal clear example of who to vote for in this next election and why.

***

Today’s featured recipe: Proud Boys Delicious Apple AK-47 Pie–the dish that satisfies and intimidates at the same time.

Ingredients: apples, the more tasteless the better

an AK-47 rifle, locked and loaded (for taste only)

Sugar, 10 pounds

Instructions: In big, and I mean big, pot, place the rifle.

Surround it with sliced apples and sugar

Cook for awhile. Remove rifle before serving.

Proud Boys–the adorable picture of the Boys wearing aprons and guns in their test kitchen we were unable to supply–who sent in this recipe, informed us they are well aware there is no crust involved in this traditional dish, a fact they are proud of, citing their First and Second Amendment rights, and dare anyone to criticize them.

 

Filed Under: Donald Trump, Human nature Tagged With: AK-47, Apple Pie, pandemic, Proud, Proud Boys

Breakable News: the President’s temperature

October 9, 2020 by Stephen Altschuler Leave a Comment

Breakable News/Friday, October 9 

In an exclusive report, Breakable News—all the fake news you have no need to know— has actually learned that president Trump has, in fact, a temperature. We don’t yet know what that temperature is but his doctor—a bored certified osteopath who specializes in lifestyle changes— has assured us that his temperature has been tested and verified as an actual reading on a certified thermometer. We asked his doctor what that thermometer measured and was the temperature taken orally or anally? Here’s our interview, direct from the horse’s—er, doctor’s—mouth.

Dr. Dunno: I’m not at liberty to reveal that information due to   HIPPA regulations, Page 45, Sec. 2A, 3rd edition, but let me assure you that a temperature did register on the device used. 

BM, I mean, sorry, BN: was that an oral or an anal reading? 

Dr. D: That’s a nasty question, and we resent being asked that. What do you think, the president is a child? I’ll just say we did give him the option of which method, and he did choose rear entry. 

BN: So it was anal?

Dr.D: We no longer use that disgusting term, but I’ll just say, off the record, yes. And for your information, it’s now called rectal.

And that concludes our characteristically comprehensive report on the president’s complete physical and mental condition for today. Our investigative reporter, Bob Cordwood from our affiliate Breakaway News, is continuing to pursue this story through his various sources particularly one he calls Deep ***Hole (censored to protect any children, pets, or carnivorous plants who may accidentally read and eaten this report). He assures us he will stop at nothing until he finds out Trump’s actual temperature (we’re hoping too to get his latest Covid test result before his next Rose Garden ceremony, but that’s a longshot at this point). The American people have a right to know. 

Our Pandemic Survival Tip O’ the Day:

For those of you who don’t normally follow our award-losing reports, or any news, for that matter, when you see someone wearing a mask either on the street or in a store, please do not call 911. They are not about to rob the store or you (unless they actually are about to rob the store or you, then go ahead and stop into your local police station and let them know, assuming you don’t have a cell phone which we know are difficult to figure out.) Otherwise, follow your president’s latest directives on the virus.

Caution: if you do take disinfectant, as he has suggested, be sure to follow all dosage directions on the bottle.

Tomorrow, God willing and the sun decides to rise, our feature for the day will be How to be Happy and Broke at the same time. 

Buh bye, for now, dearest readers. Remember, any donations to Breakable News will be appreciated, have no effect on our continued operations, and will be duly embezzled.

Filed Under: Donald Trump, Events, Human nature Tagged With: Breakable News, pandemic

As with Trump, Twitter Must Go

May 26, 2020 by Stephen Altschuler 6 Comments

If Twitter persists in allowing citizen Trump to use its giant media forum as his personal venue for lies, misrepresentations, bullying, conspiracy theories, encouragement to break the law, instigation to violence, and fake news, then Twitter’s license to operate should be revoked. The first amendment allows freedom of speech, but not without condition. For the most obvious, you cannot yell “fire” in a crowded place if there is no fire. And Trump figuratively yells fire when there is no fire. He is therefore a menace to society. His morals and scruples are warped. He lies compulsively. He deceives. He distorts. He accuses. He demands. He threatens. He obfuscates. He bloviates. He bullies. He shames. He calls people names as a tween might in a junior high schoolyard at lunchtime.

Donald Trump is an embarrassment to this country. He has not made this country great again as he and his followers profess. Indeed, they fit the definition of a cult–a cult of narcissists–allowing the Narcissist in Chief free rein [Read more…] about As with Trump, Twitter Must Go

Filed Under: Donald Trump Tagged With: Bolsonaro, Brazil, China, City by the Bay, Democrats, Europe, FCC, pandemic, President Obama, SF, Twitter

Primary Sidebar

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Make a Donation

A donation, either one-time or monthly, would be greatly appreciated to help keep this blog going. To date, I've accepted no advertising. Thanks so much for your consideration and generosity.

Recent Posts

  • Now What???
  • A Nation of Immigrants
  • Honor? Trump?
  • Three Blind Mice
  • What is actually happening in Gaza and not the distorted bullshit you’re hearing

Recent Comments

  • Stan Altschuler on A Nation of Immigrants
  • Hank on A Nation of Immigrants
  • Stephen Altschuler on Honor? Trump?
  • Stephen Altschuler on Honor? Trump?
  • David on Honor? Trump?

Copyright © 2025 · Author Pro on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in