Stephen Altschuler

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Breakable News Breaking News, Thursday, Oct. 22, Trump’s Twitter Password

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Breakable News has learned our Dutch affliliate has been able to hack into Donald Trump’s twitter account by guessing his password, which—you’re not going to believe this—is maga2020 (true, that!). This also makes accessible the accounts of all of his 87 million followers. So we waltzed in to see what we could find. 

Putin: There is the problem with Navalny, Donald, my friend. My agents were unsuccessful in fully taking care of the matter, and was wondering if you had the resources to…

Trump: Vlad, my brother, ask no further. Consider the problem taken care of. You know Quid Pro Quid, or whatever. I’ve got an agent who speaks fluent Yiddish—just joking,  comrade. Navalny is toast. Gotta run. Got the rocket man coming in with a message. Kim, my friend, my love, what can I do for you?

Kim Jong Un: Comrade Donny, am needing some sanction relief to buy a couple more Jags. You good with dat?

Trump: Good? Are you kidding? Consider it done. Just don’t tell anyone, K? Whoops, gotta run. Message coming in. Starting to feel like a switchboard operator. That’s an American joke, Kimmy…or is it Jongy…or Unny. Ha Ha. 

Proud Boy: Hey dude Pres. Listen , we need another endorsement since you kind of dis’ed us last week (we know, wink wink). You know, something subtle like “I am Proud to be an America, but Boy, it’s getting cold, better get my hat.” Like dat.

Trump: No problemo, Proudy. I’m on it. Check the news tonight. Jeez, gotta go, another message.

Breakable News reporter: Mr. President, so nice to reach you this morning. How are you?

Trump: Who the hell is this? How did you get into my account? It’s more secure than anything Obama or Hillary ever had.

Breakable: No problemo, sir. We just took a wild stab and there you were.

Trump: Shit, Barr told me everything was tight. That nobody could guess my password, which me myself and I don’t even remember. You haven’t read any of the past few messages, have you, Breaky?

Breakable: Oh no, sir. Mums the word. You can be sure of that, although we so suggest you might change that maga2020 password.

Trump: Why, you actually think anyone’s gonna guess that? You fake news people are nasty and stupid. Idiots! I’m banning you from this account.

And there it is, dear readers. An exclusive with our dear leader of the free world. But don’t any of you try to breach the account. You’ll get in but you might not get out.

                                      ***

In other news, Covid is now totally out of control in the U.S. with 215,000 deaths. The Trump Administration has no comment and Trump never mentioned it at his rally last night.  Like the phrases “climate change” and  “global warming” , Trump has also banned the words “pandemic”,  Covid-19, and coronavirus from all government documents and has threatened agency heads with execution, Putin-style—we also learned from his Twitter account—if they utter them.

And here’s today’s feature: 10 Way(s) to Lighten Up during these challenging times (borrowed from the White House website—sorry, but all of our staff are down with Covid): 

Don’t Worry: Be Happy!   (repeat 10x)

Trump’s Plans for Buying Breakable News have Broken Down

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Because of my brother Hank’s direct appeal, Breakable News Board of Mis-Directors (BOMD) has rejected the Trump organization’s hostile bid to buy the world-ignored fake news agency for three billion USD. “You, your brother, and your whole antifa outfit are phony liberal radical left wing commies, intent on destroying American cities run by Dems and fueled by methane gas from cows and your other followers,” a steroid-infused Trump tweeted Thursday night. Nonetheless, we are adhering to our BOMD’s decision and will soldier on providing you, our loyal and limited readers, with news you probably shouldn’t bother reading. We will continue with a generous $250 grant from the Sioux City Iowa Kiwanis along with reader contributions, giving us a grand total of $252.50 in our war chest (thanks to my cousin in LA for that late arriving donation).

In appreciation to Hank for directing us away from that nasty three billion, we decided to hire him as our new head of our Breakable Sports department, with all the sports news you never knew that you needed to know but was presented to you regardless. We hired HRA immediately after he knew the answer to what was Richie Ashburn’s batting average in 1958. Both my brother who is six years older, and I grew close when we suffered through the Phillies cellar teams of the 50’s, culminating in the woebegone ’64 team, run by Gene Mauch that took a nose dive after leading the league in September and lost a sure-thing pennant. After that we, and pretty much the entire population of the City of Brotherly Love, lost all hope, and, as for Hank and I, took to the streets and pursued a life of destitution, retribution, and tribulation (I kid my brother!). Anyway, all was rectified when his daughter Ellen, my niece, married the perfect man and sports maven, and now Hank’s son in law from heaven, Mike Barkann, the best, and most respected, sports show host (and great guy) for over 20 years in Philly, a town that eats some sports figures for breakfast. Mike refers to Hank often to fill the gaps in his sports history knowledge (true, that).

And check out their wonderful family-run Barkann Foundation to discover the healing work they are doing in the community (the preceding was a bona fide Breakable News plug and, contrary to most of the other news we offer, is totally true, attaining multiple seals of approval).

Well, now that I’ve uncovered much of my brother’s and my sordid history (payback, Hank, for when you pinned me to the floor when I was 8, and tormented me, with our mother too out of range to hear my screams!), I’ll just say that we’re thrilled to have Hank, a great Overbrook High basketball player in his own right, who once played schoolyard ball with a young Wilt Chamberlain (true, that), is on staff. He will, I’m sad to say, need to accept vouchers as remuneration, and will still have to pay out of pocket for travel expenses, but, he will not have to stay at Trump hotels as the Orange man had required for the deal to go through.

Now that Breakable News has wasted most your morning with news you didn’t need to hear, we’ll conclude with a word from our (only) fake sponsor, the Sioux City Kiwanis Club:

What Me Worry? Just Vote, and make sure it’s Blue not Orange!

Breakable News: the President’s temperature

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Breakable News/Friday, October 9 

In an exclusive report, Breakable News—all the fake news you have no need to know— has actually learned that president Trump has, in fact, a temperature. We don’t yet know what that temperature is but his doctor—a bored certified osteopath who specializes in lifestyle changes— has assured us that his temperature has been tested and verified as an actual reading on a certified thermometer. We asked his doctor what that thermometer measured and was the temperature taken orally or anally? Here’s our interview, direct from the horse’s—er, doctor’s—mouth.

Dr. Dunno: I’m not at liberty to reveal that information due to   HIPPA regulations, Page 45, Sec. 2A, 3rd edition, but let me assure you that a temperature did register on the device used. 

BM, I mean, sorry, BN: was that an oral or an anal reading? 

Dr. D: That’s a nasty question, and we resent being asked that. What do you think, the president is a child? I’ll just say we did give him the option of which method, and he did choose rear entry. 

BN: So it was anal?

Dr.D: We no longer use that disgusting term, but I’ll just say, off the record, yes. And for your information, it’s now called rectal.

And that concludes our characteristically comprehensive report on the president’s complete physical and mental condition for today. Our investigative reporter, Bob Cordwood from our affiliate Breakaway News, is continuing to pursue this story through his various sources particularly one he calls Deep ***Hole (censored to protect any children, pets, or carnivorous plants who may accidentally read and eaten this report). He assures us he will stop at nothing until he finds out Trump’s actual temperature (we’re hoping too to get his latest Covid test result before his next Rose Garden ceremony, but that’s a longshot at this point). The American people have a right to know. 

Our Pandemic Survival Tip O’ the Day:

For those of you who don’t normally follow our award-losing reports, or any news, for that matter, when you see someone wearing a mask either on the street or in a store, please do not call 911. They are not about to rob the store or you (unless they actually are about to rob the store or you, then go ahead and stop into your local police station and let them know, assuming you don’t have a cell phone which we know are difficult to figure out.) Otherwise, follow your president’s latest directives on the virus.

Caution: if you do take disinfectant, as he has suggested, be sure to follow all dosage directions on the bottle.

Tomorrow, God willing and the sun decides to rise, our feature for the day will be How to be Happy and Broke at the same time. 

Buh bye, for now, dearest readers. Remember, any donations to Breakable News will be appreciated, have no effect on our continued operations, and will be duly embezzled.

The Fly and the Veep Debate

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Election news took some unexpected twists and turns so Breakable news enlisted our affiliate Breakaway News for today’s fake news report.

After last night’s Vice Presidential debate, a shocking 700,000 tweets and retweets (not fake news either) related to “The Fly. So we sent our investigative reporter Bob Cordwood to see what all the buzz was about. Bob caught up with The Fly at a Utah cafe.

BC: So Fly, how did you manage to get into the facility? I understand security was rather tight. Mind if I tape the interview?

Fly: No problemo. First off, my name is Sylvester, Sly the Fly, to my friends.  But you wouldn’t have known that because , to you, all flies are like peas in a pod, right.

BC: So sorry, Sly. This is my first interview with an actual fly.

S the F: Now where were we before I so rudely interrupted myself? Oh right. I’m not sure how I got in. It was like a whale heading for Alaska and making a wrong right turn at San Francisco Bay. So I’m inside this building innocently looking for a way out, which flies are wont to do, when I spot this shock of white like a still layer of foam on a polluted lake, so I sets down my landing gear—betcha ya didn’t know we have special landing gear—and land. 

BC: I see. What happened next?

S the F: Well, it was like strange. Nothing happened. I realized pretty quickly it was a head of hair—I have an extensive CV for landing on heads of hair—and almost 100 percent of the time, I get shooed away. This time, nada, no movement. I look down and see the guy’s lips moving but the head or a swiping hand, zilch, like he was a robot or something. Really odd. Never seen nothing like it before.

BC: No indication he even felt you there as anyone would? People are quite sensitive around flies landing on them.

S the F: Tell me about it. I can’t tell you how often I’ve been to the flyropracter—my flybamacare covers it—to get my wings adjusted after getting swiped. But this guy is like the Sphinx. Just a lot of blah, blah, blah from his mouth, but no standard swatting reflex.

BC: So what did you do, pull up a beach chair and chill for a bit?

S the F: Ha. Good one.  But as a matter of fact, I did just rest a bit over two minutes, which breaks the World Fly non-Flying time record by almost a minute, by the way. Finally, not having my fly-phone with me, I got bored and took off. I coulda been there all night. Then after somehow finding my way around these plastic, I think you call them plexiglass screens, I found an open window and scrammed. Anyway, that’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it.

BC: Many thanks for your time, Sly the Fly.  Can I contact you for any follow-up questions?

S the F: Sure,  but I might not get back for a day or so. Fall’s a busy time for our species. Lots of roadkill, donchaknow. Gotta go Bob. Like my favorite tune goes, 

“I’ve laid around and played around this old town too long

Summer’s almost gone, yes winter’s coming on

I’ve laid around and played around this old town too long

And I feel like I gotta travel on.”

Great tune. Always buzzing in my ear.  Hey, who was that bloke anyway?

BC: Pence, Vice President Mike Pence, White House D.C. At least for now.

S the F: I’ll remember that when I need another vacation. See ya. Take care, y’all.

***

Thanks to Bob Cordwood and Breakaway News for that most interesting report. This is a developing story as we’re sure to hear something nasty from the Veep’s boss, Donald J. Tweet (ha, ha). 

As always we at Breakable News are committed to keep you misinformed with our certified fake news. And remember: We’re the only news source with nothing to gain and nothing to lose…not even a reputation.

Later, Lovies….🙏

Trump Total Stock Market Report

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Trump total stock market index report from Breakable News, where we get all the latest reliably fake news to you, our valued readers (now down to three in our latest FB/twitter polling), in a few days or so

Financial reporters at Breakable News are on breakables today, exhausted from recent volatility in the Trump market

Seems the market has become so synced to trump that it fell sharply on news that he cut his breakfast donut count from four to three jellys and five to four chocolates in one day. Dow Industrials slipped the most followed by grocery chains. Lay-offs are immanent. Exports are down. Imports up. GDP down slightly. Deficit out the window. However later in the day trump reversed course and unaccountably increased donut consumption to previous levels. Market soared. White House sources could not be contacted for comment, although a press conference Is scheduled for 2 am tomorrow morning before the opening of days trading.

In other news, trump changed his mind five times in two days over renewed stimulus funding, admitting he had to to bolster his sagging poll numbers. Apparently he had his budget office research battleground states, not only county by county but street by street, and then house by house to determine more precise totals. Market numbers fluctuated with the results as each household was contacted. By days end there were no changes in poll numbers from the previous day. As an aside our volatility correspondent reported that five trump market brokers all jumped to their death from an open stock market window. The was no direct comment from the White House on either the polls or the deaths, but a statement was eventually issued blaming Michelle Obama, Amanda Kloots, Joe Biden, Lincoln Project Republicans, and all Democrats everywhere/all the time.

“The economy is back on track and doing great,” a phlegmatic, coronavirus-ridden Trump announced later in the day, prompting his market to soar to record levels. But five minutes later, after the unmasked supposed leader of the free world coughed and left the press conference abruptly, the market sank to a new all time low.

By the end of the day, we at the Breakable News editorial desk were unable locate our trump market reporter for a wrap up on the days outcome and analyst reactions. As usual, his phone seemed to be on the fritz and his voicemail was full and unable to take messages. We did get a call directly from the president himself but after putting him on hold, we forgot that we had done so. We finally did answer his call three hours later—he was still holding—but we had passed our deadline and hung up on him.

So in summary, we have nothing new to report on the country’s financial health, now or prospects for the future. But as soon as we know more, we’ll be sure to let you know in—as always—a few days or so.

That’s it for now. Have a wing ding of a day. And from all of us at Breakable News, relaaaaax.

Breakable News Flash!!

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Breakable News flash! (All the News that’s Truly Fake)

Trumpet voter toot/tweets, “if Our Dear Leader dies I’m still gunna vote for Him. His Ghost could still run the country, as long as twitter doesn’t ban His account, which I don’t think they will cause they haven’t banned a ghosts account yet. Ghosts lives matter, ya know, especially Trump’s ghost. Actually, now that I think of it, only His ghost matters. I know you left wing, commie liberals’ll make fun of me for this, but, wait, you’ll see.”
***
Ms. Coney “Island” Barrett reports at her next public appearance she hopes to infect the rest of the Republican establishment. Upon incessant questioning by the media, she admitted that Angels coerced her into close contact with the President and his cronies, thus stealthfully spreading the virus via in-person zoombombing, sabotaging his reelection chances.
***
Trump reports he “feels better, pretty good, actually really good. I could walk outta here right now.”

His doctor, who is a D.O., recommends that the president should change his lifestyle and take more walks in the woods, but reports “He’s not out of the woods yet.”
***
Who to beiieve? Stay tuned for the next Breakable News report. And remember, this is your (sort of, maybe) only news source of fake news ALL THE TIME.

And, as seems to be a FCC requirement (punishable by nasty, career-ending tweet from the president, health permitting), We at Breakable News wish the president and his wife a speedy recovery.

Trump and Covid-19

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The fact that Trump and his wife, along with other White House staff, have tested positive for the virus is a repudiation of everything Trump and said and claimed about the virus. This highlights Trump’s politicization of the pandemic to suit his needs to feed gruel to his base. He wanted to come across as a strongman ruler, accountable to none, and loyal to only himself and his gullible base. The virus, though, has proven a greater adversary than most, and represents the October Surprise that Trump was hoping would be in his favor. It’s a virus that knows no boundaries nor makes little distinction among victims. It just lies in wait like a thief in the night, waiting for those who disdain its very existence, infecting those who take no precautions in defending against it. To hell with masks and social distancing and testing, they say. Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead.

Covid is not at all a stealth adversary. It makes no pretense of hiding itself for it comes on surfaces and through the air alike. It wears no camouflage. It hides behind no masks. It does not disguise its voice, nor does it act like a double agent skulking about in the shadows of noir settings. It simply is what it is, a virus that acts like any virus humans have encountered. It makes no apologies for having stumped scientists as to its actual cause. It does not consciously deceive so as to prevent those scientists from devising a cure or vaccine. It kills many people but so have other viruses that have appeared in history. It’s part of the territory of this planet, a risky place, to say the least.

So how will Trump’s contracting this virus affect his re-election campaign? I suspect the right wing media and his cult base will minimize it as they have every other Trump transgression and indignity. It’s the swing voters and undecided voters that may be most affected by a president showing medical vulnerability. He likes to portray himself as strong, aggressive and invulnerable–a tough guy–but this microscopic virus, like David slaying Goliath, has revealed the true nature of the “Wizard of Oz” behind the curtain.

This obscure virus, supposedly caused by human careless interaction with wildlife, has brought a pandemic that has virtually shutdown the world’s economy, driven millions into unemployment, killed over a million worldwide and over 200,000 in the United States, and has now infected its autocratic, authoritarian president. It may well be the nail in the coffin of Trump’s desperate run for another term. I surely hope so.

 

 

The Divide

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We have a serious Divide in our country right now, and it concerns me deeply. It seems that regardless of the outcome of this coming election, the Divide will continue, perhaps culminating in violence. This, of course, will deepen the Divide. We have painted ourselves into a proverbial corner, and I see no clear way out. Trump doesn’t help matters much. In fact, he seems to stir the pot of discontent, encouraging the very violence he purports to be against. Lately, six weeks before the election, he rants about not accepting the results, sounding and acting far more like Benedict Arnold than Abraham Lincoln. Biden is better, and I definitely recommend a vote for him and most Democratic candidates, but I don’t think his election will necessarily solve the problem. And he may not have the intestinal strength to do what needs to be done to calm the potentially violent, confrontational atmosphere after his election. White supremacist groups, which include the KKK, neo-Nazis, QAnon, an assortment of white militias, along with ultra-conservative media outlets may seize the opportunity to foment their brand of hatred upon the general public. And extreme leftist groups may resort to violence as well. Police and military forces may overreact as they already have during the George Floyd protests. Countries like Russia, China, Iran, North Korea may use cyber-attacks to widen the Divide, as they have already done to our electoral processes.

Biden who is a good and decent man, far beyond Trump in humanity, consciousness, and empathy will have an overflowing plate of the Trump-worsened pandemic and economy, along with this civil unrest. And I’m not sure how well he can handle this. But it must be him and not Trump who is in charge during this critical time in our country’s history. For Trump is not fit for this job, as concluded by his closest associates, family members, former government officials, and even an increasing number of Republicans.

Our country has been in this predicament before. During the Salem witch trials, there were people [Read more…] about The Divide