Stephen Altschuler

thoughts on environment, politics, health, life issues

Human nature

Breakable News: the President’s temperature

by Leave a Comment

Breakable News/Friday, October 9 

In an exclusive report, Breakable News—all the fake news you have no need to know— has actually learned that president Trump has, in fact, a temperature. We don’t yet know what that temperature is but his doctor—a bored certified osteopath who specializes in lifestyle changes— has assured us that his temperature has been tested and verified as an actual reading on a certified thermometer. We asked his doctor what that thermometer measured and was the temperature taken orally or anally? Here’s our interview, direct from the horse’s—er, doctor’s—mouth.

Dr. Dunno: I’m not at liberty to reveal that information due to   HIPPA regulations, Page 45, Sec. 2A, 3rd edition, but let me assure you that a temperature did register on the device used. 

BM, I mean, sorry, BN: was that an oral or an anal reading? 

Dr. D: That’s a nasty question, and we resent being asked that. What do you think, the president is a child? I’ll just say we did give him the option of which method, and he did choose rear entry. 

BN: So it was anal?

Dr.D: We no longer use that disgusting term, but I’ll just say, off the record, yes. And for your information, it’s now called rectal.

And that concludes our characteristically comprehensive report on the president’s complete physical and mental condition for today. Our investigative reporter, Bob Cordwood from our affiliate Breakaway News, is continuing to pursue this story through his various sources particularly one he calls Deep ***Hole (censored to protect any children, pets, or carnivorous plants who may accidentally read and eaten this report). He assures us he will stop at nothing until he finds out Trump’s actual temperature (we’re hoping too to get his latest Covid test result before his next Rose Garden ceremony, but that’s a longshot at this point). The American people have a right to know. 

Our Pandemic Survival Tip O’ the Day:

For those of you who don’t normally follow our award-losing reports, or any news, for that matter, when you see someone wearing a mask either on the street or in a store, please do not call 911. They are not about to rob the store or you (unless they actually are about to rob the store or you, then go ahead and stop into your local police station and let them know, assuming you don’t have a cell phone which we know are difficult to figure out.) Otherwise, follow your president’s latest directives on the virus.

Caution: if you do take disinfectant, as he has suggested, be sure to follow all dosage directions on the bottle.

Tomorrow, God willing and the sun decides to rise, our feature for the day will be How to be Happy and Broke at the same time. 

Buh bye, for now, dearest readers. Remember, any donations to Breakable News will be appreciated, have no effect on our continued operations, and will be duly embezzled.

The Fly and the Veep Debate

by 7 Comments

Election news took some unexpected twists and turns so Breakable news enlisted our affiliate Breakaway News for today’s fake news report.

After last night’s Vice Presidential debate, a shocking 700,000 tweets and retweets (not fake news either) related to “The Fly. So we sent our investigative reporter Bob Cordwood to see what all the buzz was about. Bob caught up with The Fly at a Utah cafe.

BC: So Fly, how did you manage to get into the facility? I understand security was rather tight. Mind if I tape the interview?

Fly: No problemo. First off, my name is Sylvester, Sly the Fly, to my friends.  But you wouldn’t have known that because , to you, all flies are like peas in a pod, right.

BC: So sorry, Sly. This is my first interview with an actual fly.

S the F: Now where were we before I so rudely interrupted myself? Oh right. I’m not sure how I got in. It was like a whale heading for Alaska and making a wrong right turn at San Francisco Bay. So I’m inside this building innocently looking for a way out, which flies are wont to do, when I spot this shock of white like a still layer of foam on a polluted lake, so I sets down my landing gear—betcha ya didn’t know we have special landing gear—and land. 

BC: I see. What happened next?

S the F: Well, it was like strange. Nothing happened. I realized pretty quickly it was a head of hair—I have an extensive CV for landing on heads of hair—and almost 100 percent of the time, I get shooed away. This time, nada, no movement. I look down and see the guy’s lips moving but the head or a swiping hand, zilch, like he was a robot or something. Really odd. Never seen nothing like it before.

BC: No indication he even felt you there as anyone would? People are quite sensitive around flies landing on them.

S the F: Tell me about it. I can’t tell you how often I’ve been to the flyropracter—my flybamacare covers it—to get my wings adjusted after getting swiped. But this guy is like the Sphinx. Just a lot of blah, blah, blah from his mouth, but no standard swatting reflex.

BC: So what did you do, pull up a beach chair and chill for a bit?

S the F: Ha. Good one.  But as a matter of fact, I did just rest a bit over two minutes, which breaks the World Fly non-Flying time record by almost a minute, by the way. Finally, not having my fly-phone with me, I got bored and took off. I coulda been there all night. Then after somehow finding my way around these plastic, I think you call them plexiglass screens, I found an open window and scrammed. Anyway, that’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it.

BC: Many thanks for your time, Sly the Fly.  Can I contact you for any follow-up questions?

S the F: Sure,  but I might not get back for a day or so. Fall’s a busy time for our species. Lots of roadkill, donchaknow. Gotta go Bob. Like my favorite tune goes, 

“I’ve laid around and played around this old town too long

Summer’s almost gone, yes winter’s coming on

I’ve laid around and played around this old town too long

And I feel like I gotta travel on.”

Great tune. Always buzzing in my ear.  Hey, who was that bloke anyway?

BC: Pence, Vice President Mike Pence, White House D.C. At least for now.

S the F: I’ll remember that when I need another vacation. See ya. Take care, y’all.

***

Thanks to Bob Cordwood and Breakaway News for that most interesting report. This is a developing story as we’re sure to hear something nasty from the Veep’s boss, Donald J. Tweet (ha, ha). 

As always we at Breakable News are committed to keep you misinformed with our certified fake news. And remember: We’re the only news source with nothing to gain and nothing to lose…not even a reputation.

Later, Lovies….🙏

Trump Total Stock Market Report

by 1 Comment

Trump total stock market index report from Breakable News, where we get all the latest reliably fake news to you, our valued readers (now down to three in our latest FB/twitter polling), in a few days or so

Financial reporters at Breakable News are on breakables today, exhausted from recent volatility in the Trump market

Seems the market has become so synced to trump that it fell sharply on news that he cut his breakfast donut count from four to three jellys and five to four chocolates in one day. Dow Industrials slipped the most followed by grocery chains. Lay-offs are immanent. Exports are down. Imports up. GDP down slightly. Deficit out the window. However later in the day trump reversed course and unaccountably increased donut consumption to previous levels. Market soared. White House sources could not be contacted for comment, although a press conference Is scheduled for 2 am tomorrow morning before the opening of days trading.

In other news, trump changed his mind five times in two days over renewed stimulus funding, admitting he had to to bolster his sagging poll numbers. Apparently he had his budget office research battleground states, not only county by county but street by street, and then house by house to determine more precise totals. Market numbers fluctuated with the results as each household was contacted. By days end there were no changes in poll numbers from the previous day. As an aside our volatility correspondent reported that five trump market brokers all jumped to their death from an open stock market window. The was no direct comment from the White House on either the polls or the deaths, but a statement was eventually issued blaming Michelle Obama, Amanda Kloots, Joe Biden, Lincoln Project Republicans, and all Democrats everywhere/all the time.

“The economy is back on track and doing great,” a phlegmatic, coronavirus-ridden Trump announced later in the day, prompting his market to soar to record levels. But five minutes later, after the unmasked supposed leader of the free world coughed and left the press conference abruptly, the market sank to a new all time low.

By the end of the day, we at the Breakable News editorial desk were unable locate our trump market reporter for a wrap up on the days outcome and analyst reactions. As usual, his phone seemed to be on the fritz and his voicemail was full and unable to take messages. We did get a call directly from the president himself but after putting him on hold, we forgot that we had done so. We finally did answer his call three hours later—he was still holding—but we had passed our deadline and hung up on him.

So in summary, we have nothing new to report on the country’s financial health, now or prospects for the future. But as soon as we know more, we’ll be sure to let you know in—as always—a few days or so.

That’s it for now. Have a wing ding of a day. And from all of us at Breakable News, relaaaaax.

Breakable News Flash/ Oct. 6

by Leave a Comment

Breakable News Flash/ All the (fake) News Unfit to Print

Our viral  correspondent Zoom Zambezi had the good fortune of stumbling upon a couple of coronaviruses having breakfast in his fav cafe yesterday and filed this report: 

ZZ: Morning, boys. What’s new?

CV1: Busy, busy. Like bees in a hive. You can’t imagine. When I took this gig, I just didn’t anticipate getting away with this for so long. Doesn’t say much about your species, does it?

ZZ: Uh. I suppose not. Where you off to next?

CV2: White House, of course. We got the word Trump, we call him Big Stupid, left the hospital before his treatment was over and insisted on getting back to work and the campaign. That’s our man. That sucker has kept us in business for months now. We couldn’t have put a better ambassador in charge if one of us was president of this gullible country. How you doin’?

ZZ: Busy too. You can imagine. I’m Breakable News viral correspondent. 24/7 for me. Never a Covid-free moment. Are you guys on break?

CV1: We demanded a break in our last contract talks. Management resisted. Said there were too many blokes out there to infect. That we had a responsibility to our species to meet them on the beaches, meet them in the air, meet them in the cities, etc. etc. Wartime footing, dontchaknow. It’s rough. We don’t get home much. Shesh, I do miss the kids. Those little pigtailed parameciums. You should see the greeting I get when I do get a little vacation time. 

CV2: And the tears when we have to return to the front.

CV1: True, that.

ZZ: How much longer you figure this war will continue?

CV2: That’s the thing. Every time we think we’re near the end, your people, led by Big Stupid, do something new to keep us infiltrating and infecting. We’ve just ordered new war hats for our troops with Keep Covid Great Again on them. It’s quite inspiring to see our troops march in the White House and Congress wearing those war hats. 

CV1: Right. And Big Stupid keeps blaming us, but it’s actually him whose keeping the war going. That seems to be his strategy, which is hard for us to swallow. We didn’t ask for this struggle. We’re ready to quit if the proper precautions are put into place, but Big Stupid is making sure that doesn’t happen. Try explaining that to my 2 month old at home!

ZZ: Tell me about it. Breakable News keeps trying to educate him and his equally stupid followers, but all we get is shit thrown back at us. It’s extremely frustrating, and our four or so readers are fed up, though we’re hopeful they continue to stick with us and carry on the fight. 

CV2: So there are those among you who don’t follow Big Stupid?

ZZ: Oh sure. A lot of good, kind, empathic, and intelligent folks. 

CV1: Well, that’s good to know. Gives us hope that we can soon end this war and get back to our families. 

CV2: Amen to that. Well, gotta get going, Zoom. Can’t dawdle too long over breakfast. There’re lungs to infect out there, and people to kill. And as long as Big Stupid stays in charge, it should be easy pickings for us front line troops. Be well, Zoom, and take care. You’re on our side, but we don’t care who we infect. Our radar tells us exactly who is least protected. We finally got Big Stupid, which is why we got a little extra time off this morning. Quite a celebration last night. 

CV1: But now we hear he’s back to Big Denial again. So off we go. Later, dude.

ZZ: Yeh. You guys take care. See you again soon, I’m sure.

Thank you, Zoom for that informative, first-hand report. 

And now, as promised, here’s today special feature: A retired guy’s guide to fashion. 

First, be sure and change your underpants and tee shirts daily, even if you don’t feel like it. Colors optional.

Next, changing socks is optional, usually not required, they might dirty faster walking around the house all day during the pandemic. 

No need for daily changing of outer clothing such as shorts, jeans, pants of any kind. But as stains increase, spousal complaints usually increase as well, so stains should be monitored accordingly.

Of course, masks should be worn in public places or when speaking with people you probably shouldn’t be speaking to anyway. Retired guys have a generally bad reputation among the general population, and have ever since ancient times, even prehistorically speaking.

And that’s about it, dear readers. Be sure to leave any comments below. They will not be read or responded to but at least you’ll have the satisfaction of having taken some action against today’s special feature. L’Chiam. 

Trump and Covid-19

by 2 Comments

The fact that Trump and his wife, along with other White House staff, have tested positive for the virus is a repudiation of everything Trump and said and claimed about the virus. This highlights Trump’s politicization of the pandemic to suit his needs to feed gruel to his base. He wanted to come across as a strongman ruler, accountable to none, and loyal to only himself and his gullible base. The virus, though, has proven a greater adversary than most, and represents the October Surprise that Trump was hoping would be in his favor. It’s a virus that knows no boundaries nor makes little distinction among victims. It just lies in wait like a thief in the night, waiting for those who disdain its very existence, infecting those who take no precautions in defending against it. To hell with masks and social distancing and testing, they say. Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead.

Covid is not at all a stealth adversary. It makes no pretense of hiding itself for it comes on surfaces and through the air alike. It wears no camouflage. It hides behind no masks. It does not disguise its voice, nor does it act like a double agent skulking about in the shadows of noir settings. It simply is what it is, a virus that acts like any virus humans have encountered. It makes no apologies for having stumped scientists as to its actual cause. It does not consciously deceive so as to prevent those scientists from devising a cure or vaccine. It kills many people but so have other viruses that have appeared in history. It’s part of the territory of this planet, a risky place, to say the least.

So how will Trump’s contracting this virus affect his re-election campaign? I suspect the right wing media and his cult base will minimize it as they have every other Trump transgression and indignity. It’s the swing voters and undecided voters that may be most affected by a president showing medical vulnerability. He likes to portray himself as strong, aggressive and invulnerable–a tough guy–but this microscopic virus, like David slaying Goliath, has revealed the true nature of the “Wizard of Oz” behind the curtain.

This obscure virus, supposedly caused by human careless interaction with wildlife, has brought a pandemic that has virtually shutdown the world’s economy, driven millions into unemployment, killed over a million worldwide and over 200,000 in the United States, and has now infected its autocratic, authoritarian president. It may well be the nail in the coffin of Trump’s desperate run for another term. I surely hope so.

 

 

The Divide

by 2 Comments

We have a serious Divide in our country right now, and it concerns me deeply. It seems that regardless of the outcome of this coming election, the Divide will continue, perhaps culminating in violence. This, of course, will deepen the Divide. We have painted ourselves into a proverbial corner, and I see no clear way out. Trump doesn’t help matters much. In fact, he seems to stir the pot of discontent, encouraging the very violence he purports to be against. Lately, six weeks before the election, he rants about not accepting the results, sounding and acting far more like Benedict Arnold than Abraham Lincoln. Biden is better, and I definitely recommend a vote for him and most Democratic candidates, but I don’t think his election will necessarily solve the problem. And he may not have the intestinal strength to do what needs to be done to calm the potentially violent, confrontational atmosphere after his election. White supremacist groups, which include the KKK, neo-Nazis, QAnon, an assortment of white militias, along with ultra-conservative media outlets may seize the opportunity to foment their brand of hatred upon the general public. And extreme leftist groups may resort to violence as well. Police and military forces may overreact as they already have during the George Floyd protests. Countries like Russia, China, Iran, North Korea may use cyber-attacks to widen the Divide, as they have already done to our electoral processes.

Biden who is a good and decent man, far beyond Trump in humanity, consciousness, and empathy will have an overflowing plate of the Trump-worsened pandemic and economy, along with this civil unrest. And I’m not sure how well he can handle this. But it must be him and not Trump who is in charge during this critical time in our country’s history. For Trump is not fit for this job, as concluded by his closest associates, family members, former government officials, and even an increasing number of Republicans.

Our country has been in this predicament before. During the Salem witch trials, there were people [Read more…] about The Divide

If Jesus Came Back Today

by 2 Comments

To those who believe in the Second Coming of Jesus Christ, and millions around the world do, have you considered what he would say as he preached his first homily? I have, and I’m not even a Christian. But I am someone who, though does not believe Jesus was the only son of God, does consider him a great teacher and sage. I greatly value what he said and how he lived his life. At the heart of his teaching is the Golden Rule. Do you know it? I’m sure you do. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. That about covers every human to human and human to fauna and human to flora interaction with all living things. And since the planet itself is a living thing–the generally accepted Gaia Principle–the Golden Rule would apply to the entire planet as well.

So there he is, Jesus returned, resurrected, if you will, standing, perhaps, on the summit of Mt. Everest, delivering his homily for all of us to hear. A Sermon on the Highest Mount. I humbly submit, it might go something like this:

Dear Ones,

First, I want to clarify a misconception. I am not [Read more…] about If Jesus Came Back Today

Why the Crazy Conspiracy Theories?

by 2 Comments

How do they originate and why do they stick? Is it boredom? Is it fear? Is it vengeance? Is it retribution? Is it the need for a scapegoat? Is it protection from those we think we need protection from? For most of my adult life, I worked as a mental health counselor with people with severe mental disorders–people who often had paranoid hallucinations and delusions. They would sometimes think they were being followed by the CIA or FBI or local police, or they thought they were Jesus returned or that they had bugs crawling all over them. I felt bad for these people. They were afflicted with these thoughts, without themselves being bad or evil. But people who believe in conspiracy theories are not necessarily mentally ill. They are fully conscious and aware of their delusions, and the harm and fear they cause. And let me add here that some conspiracy theories, like those around President Kennedy’s assassination, are valid and warrant continued investigation.

The latest delusional one is this QAnon conspiracy theory which has gained much traction since 2017, particularly among supporters of Donald Trump. Even Trump himself [Read more…] about Why the Crazy Conspiracy Theories?