Monday’s edition of Breakable News, your news source for all the news you thought you could forget about but which we thought you couldn’t.
Today we’re focusing on voter suppression, a key platform objective of the RNC. Our ace reporter, Christiane Notsopoor ·was able to go undercover and actually sneak a tape recorder into RNC’s last meeting in a secret room, the entrance of which was hidden by a rug in a German bakery shop in Sheboygan, Wisconsin. She posed as a Proud Girl of her Proud Boyfriend to gain entry past RNC operatives who failed to vet Notsopoor. We present the unabridged tape to you, our esteemed and increasingly decreasing readership, today.
RNC leader, nicknamed Godfather by Trump himself, hereafter GF: Reports, por favor.
Michigan Generalisimo Herman: All systems on full stop. Mail in ballots blocked by a Trump court. Ballots in one suburb intercepted by pandemic masked operatives and dumped. Knees of reporter for a liberal commie weekly broken.
GF: Excellent. You get an hour off at Trump National New Jersey and a covid-shake of the hand with The Boss. He says “Wear a mask and you’re fired!” Next.
Pennsylvania Generalisimo Gustav: Roger that, Godfather. We got a militia ready to roll for voter intimidation in Philadelphia, and another positioned across the street from a synagogue polling place in Pittsburgh.
GF: What! Across the street, you say? I want those Proud Boys within arm’s length of voters at that synagogue. What do think this is, a fashion show? And make sure they look like armed militia and not girl scouts selling cookies like last time. Next. Florida
Florida Generalisimo Adolph: Trouble, Godfather. There’s been a delay in the bill to require an original birth certificate plus a copy of their last four years tax returns from all voters.
GF: Delay. What do you mean delay? The Governor assured us this was no problem. He got everything arranged and lined up. Alright, forget it. I’ll call the SOB. He don’t play ball with us, he gets a tweet from you know who. Any other reports? How about you? Haven’t seen you before.
Christiane Notsopoor: Who me? Nah, no sweat. Latest Breakable News poll has The Boss leading by 12, as long as he stays alive. If he dies, his supporters say they’ll still vote for him.
GF: Breakable News, eh? That’s a good source, right? On our side?
CN: Oh sure. Like they always say over there, “Nevertheless, She Persisted.”
GF: Right, right. I’ve seen that on cars but never quite knew what it meant. Good work. Good work. You get the next Presidential Medal of Freedom from The Boss.
Sorry, we’re unable to provide additional taped transcript details since our undercover reporter was given the medal of freedom but apparently disappeared shortly thereafter. She was able to smuggle the tape out though in the beak of an undercover New Caladonia crow, also on our payroll.
And that concludes our coverage of the campaign for today. And remember, A Penny Saved is a Penny Earned, and if you believe that, given this economy, you’ll believe just about anything.
Good bye for now, Earthlings. And remember, despite today’s discouraging coverage, mostly fake though it may be, please, please vote…any way possible.