Mitch McConnell

Latest News Flashes from Breakable News, the media group Trump considered retreating to after Fox betrayed him, but didn’t when he scratched the surface of Breakable’s true intent.

• In a new EO, Trump erased the provision in the Constitution that authorizes a Federal Court System. “I appoint ’em, I figure I can fire ’em,” he told his wife, one of the last people on the planet who still support the president.
• A new monolith was discovered in the middle of the Sahara Desert that strangely resembled Donald Trump. It was a man in a golf cart all made of stainless steel, except for an actual smart phone in the man’s hand set on Twitter. Alien visitors are suspected of planting the monument.
• Attorney General William Barr, after announcing that his department was unable to find any fraud anywhere in the 2020 election, was spotted in a D.C. unemployment line waiting to apply for compensation that his former buddy Donald was loathe to sign off on. When asked for a comment, Barr muttered, “I don’t know how I’ll make it. All I got is 20 million in savings.”
• And still a second monolith was found right in Senate chambers. The emotionless steel structure was that  of Sen. “Moscow” Mitch McConnell who, it turned out, was curiously playing himself, standing perfectly still with only his lips moving. The monolith is and will remain a mystery.
• But these mysteries may well now be solved. Disavowed Trump advocate and lawyer Sidney Powell, fast fading from the daily news cycle, has been unmasked as an alien visitor from another planet outside our solar system. Her abandoned space ship was discovered in a landfill near Addis Ababa, and after DNA analysis by the Justice Department, it was determined that Powell is indeed the perpetrator of the various monoliths popping up around the globe. Her confiscated diary also points to alien Powell as the originator of QAnon. She was last seen dematerializing, without, we might add, proper humanoid makeup.
• Even curiouser-er is the case of Sen. David Perdue of Georgia who is running for reelection in a runoff against Jon Ossoff in early January. Perdue bought the entire state of Georgia recently after what he called “a routine” stock trade. As the owner of the state, he has ordered Ossoff to cease and desist from any further campaigning.
• To demonstrate his ability to run the country, Joe Biden got his pet German Shepard in a playful headlock, and in the ensuing ruckus, broke his foot. Consequently, Joe named the dog the next Secretary of Defense.
• Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez–better known as O Say Can’t U C–took advantage of insider trading and bought up every Green New Deal on the market. As a result, she expects lots of leverage when the next Congress opens for business. She also looks maaavalous.
• And finally, a new megastore is in the offing: Vaccine Depot. This is THE boutique one shop stop for all your vaccine needs, as President Trump put it. “It was my idea right from the start, even before the China virus attacked us with nuclear neglect. And no one thanked me for it, even though I alone, President Warped Speed, as a lot of people call me–including my wife–thought of it all by my swelf.”
• Trump still claims he won the election and “is looking forward to the next four years” of his sanctified reign, all of which Breakable heard via a planted microphone in the Psych Ward at Walter Reed.

Well, I think that’s all the Hot Flashes we have for you today, and certainly all that you need to hear, dear readers (assuming there are any of you left).

And here’s your Surviving the Pandemic tip o the day: With all the shutdowns, quarantines, and shelterings in place, we know it can get lonely out there. We recommend volunteering where CDC guidelines allow. There are, for example, cats and dogs in shelters who need your love and attention. L’Chiam.