Breakable News

In an exclusive report, Breakable News—all the fake news you have no need to know— has actually learned that president Trump has, in fact, a temperature. We don’t yet know what that temperature is but his doctor—a bored certified osteopath who specializes in lifestyle changes— has assured us that his temperature has been tested and verified as an actual reading on a certified thermometer. We asked his doctor what that thermometer measured and was the temperature taken orally or anally? Here’s our interview, direct from the horse’s—er, doctor’s—mouth.

Dr. Dunno: I’m not at liberty to reveal that information due to HIPPA regulations, Page 45, Sec. 2A, 3rd edition, but let me assure you that a temperature did register on the device used.

BM, I mean, sorry, BN: was that an oral or an anal reading?

Dr. D: That’s a nasty question, and we resent being asked that. What do you think, the president is a child? I’ll just say we did give him the option of which method, and he did choose rear entry.

BN: So it was anal?

Dr.D: We no longer use that disgusting term, but I’ll just say, off the record, yes. And for your information, it’s now called rectal.

And that concludes our characteristically comprehensive report on the president’s complete physical and mental condition for today. Our investigative reporter, Bob Cordwood from our affiliate Breakaway News, is continuing to pursue this story through his various sources particularly one he calls Deep ***Hole (censored to protect any children, pets, or carnivorous plants who may accidentally read and eaten this report). He assures us he will stop at nothing until he finds out Trump’s actual temperature (we’re hoping too to get his latest Covid test result before his next Rose Garden ceremony, but that’s a longshot at this point). The American people have a right to know.

Our Pandemic Survival Tip O’ the Day:

For those of you who don’t normally follow our award-losing reports, or any news, for that matter, when you see someone wearing a mask either on the street or in a store, please do not call 911. They are not about to rob the store or you (unless they actually are about to rob the store or you, then go ahead and stop into your local police station and let them know, assuming you don’t have a cell phone which we know are difficult to figure out.) Otherwise, follow your president’s latest directives on the virus.

Caution: if you do take disinfectant, as he has suggested, be sure to follow all dosage directions on the bottle.

Tomorrow, God willing and the sun decides to rise, our feature for the day will be How to be Happy and Broke at the same time.

Buh bye, for now, dearest readers. Remember, any donations to Breakable News will be appreciated, have no effect on our continued operations, and will be duly embezzled.

Trump Total Stock Market Report

October 7, 2020 by Stephen Altschuler 1 Comment

Trump total stock market index report from Breakable News, where we get all the latest reliably fake news to you, our valued readers (now down to three in our latest FB/twitter polling), in a few days or so

Financial reporters at Breakable News are on breakables today, exhausted from recent volatility in the Trump market

Seems the market has become so synced to trump that it fell sharply on news that he cut his breakfast donut count from four to three jellys and five to four chocolates in one day. Dow Industrials slipped the most followed by grocery chains. Lay-offs are immanent. Exports are down. Imports up. GDP down slightly. Deficit out the window. However later in the day trump reversed course and unaccountably increased donut consumption to previous levels. Market soared. White House sources could not be contacted for comment, although a press conference Is scheduled for 2 am tomorrow morning before the opening of days trading.

In other news, trump changed his mind five times in two days over renewed stimulus funding, admitting he had to to bolster his sagging poll numbers. Apparently he had his budget office research battleground states, not only county by county but street by street, and then house by house to determine more precise totals. Market numbers fluctuated with the results as each household was contacted. By days end there were no changes in poll numbers from the previous day. As an aside our volatility correspondent reported that five trump market brokers all jumped to their death from an open stock market window. The was no direct comment from the White House on either the polls or the deaths, but a statement was eventually issued blaming Michelle Obama, Amanda Kloots, Joe Biden, Lincoln Project Republicans, and all Democrats everywhere/all the time.

“The economy is back on track and doing great,” a phlegmatic, coronavirus-ridden Trump announced later in the day, prompting his market to soar to record levels. But five minutes later, after the unmasked supposed leader of the free world coughed and left the press conference abruptly, the market sank to a new all time low.

By the end of the day, we at the Breakable News editorial desk were unable locate our trump market reporter for a wrap up on the days outcome and analyst reactions. As usual, his phone seemed to be on the fritz and his voicemail was full and unable to take messages. We did get a call directly from the president himself but after putting him on hold, we forgot that we had done so. We finally did answer his call three hours later—he was still holding—but we had passed our deadline and hung up on him.

So in summary, we have nothing new to report on the country’s financial health, now or prospects for the future. But as soon as we know more, we’ll be sure to let you know in—as always—a few days or so.

That’s it for now. Have a wing ding of a day. And from all of us at Breakable News, relaaaaax.