Breakable News/Friday, October 9
In an exclusive report, Breakable News—all the fake news you have no need to know— has actually learned that president Trump has, in fact, a temperature. We don’t yet know what that temperature is but his doctor—a bored certified osteopath who specializes in lifestyle changes— has assured us that his temperature has been tested and verified as an actual reading on a certified thermometer. We asked his doctor what that thermometer measured and was the temperature taken orally or anally? Here’s our interview, direct from the horse’s—er, doctor’s—mouth.
Dr. Dunno: I’m not at liberty to reveal that information due to HIPPA regulations, Page 45, Sec. 2A, 3rd edition, but let me assure you that a temperature did register on the device used.
BM, I mean, sorry, BN: was that an oral or an anal reading?
Dr. D: That’s a nasty question, and we resent being asked that. What do you think, the president is a child? I’ll just say we did give him the option of which method, and he did choose rear entry.
BN: So it was anal?
Dr.D: We no longer use that disgusting term, but I’ll just say, off the record, yes. And for your information, it’s now called rectal.
And that concludes our characteristically comprehensive report on the president’s complete physical and mental condition for today. Our investigative reporter, Bob Cordwood from our affiliate Breakaway News, is continuing to pursue this story through his various sources particularly one he calls Deep ***Hole (censored to protect any children, pets, or carnivorous plants who may accidentally read and eaten this report). He assures us he will stop at nothing until he finds out Trump’s actual temperature (we’re hoping too to get his latest Covid test result before his next Rose Garden ceremony, but that’s a longshot at this point). The American people have a right to know.
Our Pandemic Survival Tip O’ the Day:
For those of you who don’t normally follow our award-losing reports, or any news, for that matter, when you see someone wearing a mask either on the street or in a store, please do not call 911. They are not about to rob the store or you (unless they actually are about to rob the store or you, then go ahead and stop into your local police station and let them know, assuming you don’t have a cell phone which we know are difficult to figure out.) Otherwise, follow your president’s latest directives on the virus.
Caution: if you do take disinfectant, as he has suggested, be sure to follow all dosage directions on the bottle.
Tomorrow, God willing and the sun decides to rise, our feature for the day will be How to be Happy and Broke at the same time.
Buh bye, for now, dearest readers. Remember, any donations to Breakable News will be appreciated, have no effect on our continued operations, and will be duly embezzled.