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Stephen Altschuler

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Breakable News Breaking News, Thursday, Oct. 22, Trump’s Twitter Password

October 22, 2020 by Stephen Altschuler Leave a Comment

Breakable News has learned our Dutch affliliate has been able to hack into Donald Trump’s twitter account by guessing his password, which—you’re not going to believe this—is maga2020 (true, that!). This also makes accessible the accounts of all of his 87 million followers. So we waltzed in to see what we could find. 

Putin: There is the problem with Navalny, Donald, my friend. My agents were unsuccessful in fully taking care of the matter, and was wondering if you had the resources to…

Trump: Vlad, my brother, ask no further. Consider the problem taken care of. You know Quid Pro Quid, or whatever. I’ve got an agent who speaks fluent Yiddish—just joking,  comrade. Navalny is toast. Gotta run. Got the rocket man coming in with a message. Kim, my friend, my love, what can I do for you?

Kim Jong Un: Comrade Donny, am needing some sanction relief to buy a couple more Jags. You good with dat?

Trump: Good? Are you kidding? Consider it done. Just don’t tell anyone, K? Whoops, gotta run. Message coming in. Starting to feel like a switchboard operator. That’s an American joke, Kimmy…or is it Jongy…or Unny. Ha Ha. 

Proud Boy: Hey dude Pres. Listen , we need another endorsement since you kind of dis’ed us last week (we know, wink wink). You know, something subtle like “I am Proud to be an America, but Boy, it’s getting cold, better get my hat.” Like dat.

Trump: No problemo, Proudy. I’m on it. Check the news tonight. Jeez, gotta go, another message.

Breakable News reporter: Mr. President, so nice to reach you this morning. How are you?

Trump: Who the hell is this? How did you get into my account? It’s more secure than anything Obama or Hillary ever had.

Breakable: No problemo, sir. We just took a wild stab and there you were.

Trump: Shit, Barr told me everything was tight. That nobody could guess my password, which me myself and I don’t even remember. You haven’t read any of the past few messages, have you, Breaky?

Breakable: Oh no, sir. Mums the word. You can be sure of that, although we so suggest you might change that maga2020 password.

Trump: Why, you actually think anyone’s gonna guess that? You fake news people are nasty and stupid. Idiots! I’m banning you from this account.

And there it is, dear readers. An exclusive with our dear leader of the free world. But don’t any of you try to breach the account. You’ll get in but you might not get out.

                                      ***

In other news, Covid is now totally out of control in the U.S. with 215,000 deaths. The Trump Administration has no comment and Trump never mentioned it at his rally last night.  Like the phrases “climate change” and  “global warming” , Trump has also banned the words “pandemic”,  Covid-19, and coronavirus from all government documents and has threatened agency heads with execution, Putin-style—we also learned from his Twitter account—if they utter them.

And here’s today’s feature: 10 Way(s) to Lighten Up during these challenging times (borrowed from the White House website—sorry, but all of our staff are down with Covid): 

Don’t Worry: Be Happy!   (repeat 10x)

Filed Under: Donald Trump, Events Tagged With: covid-19, Proud Boys, Twitter, William Barr

Why Jews, and really everyone, should not vote for Donald Trump or any of his Republican enablers

September 10, 2020 by Stephen Altschuler 2 Comments

As an older secular Jewish man, I believe I’m in a good position to judge a politician’s attitude towards Jews. And one’s attitude and behavior towards Jews does not necessarily coincide with one’s opinion towards Israel and their governmental policies. That’s a very complicated snake pit that involves religious, territorial, nationalistic, historical, and cultural considerations. But one’s attitude and opinion of Jews is more visceral. Put the word Jew before any Western person and ask for their first impression and you will discover their basic attitudes and inclinations, especially if the responses are confidential and discreet.  Because of historic racism and prejudice towards Jews in the Middle East and Western worlds, I suspect those responses will be mostly negative and derogatory, depending on geographical, educational, economic, and religious factors.

I’m not a professional historian, but it is commonly accepted that the first Crusaders, around the year 1096, on their way to liberate the Holy Land from Islamic rule, invaded Jewish villages along the way, and massacred most of their inhabitants. The Crusades, after all, were church-sanctioned genocidal escapades to combat paganism and heresy. Jews were lumped in with Moslems in that regard. And to solidify the hatred, a conspiracy theory started in the Middle Ages, called blood libel, was spread by word of mouth, accusing Jews of murdering Christian children in order to use their blood as part of religious rituals. These claims—alongside those of well-poisoning and host desecration—have been major themes of the persecution of Jews in Europe. And Europeans brought such vicious falsehoods to America when they colonized this territory.

Believe it or not, this conspiracy theory still survives [Read more…] about Why Jews, and really everyone, should not vote for Donald Trump or any of his Republican enablers

Filed Under: Donald Trump Tagged With: anti-Semitic, Blacks, Confederate monuments, Coronavirus, covid-19, Crusades, DACA, Islam, Israel, Jared Kushner, Jews, MAGA, Moslems, Obama, Palestinians, QAnon, Republicans, White supremacists

Abe and Gert: A morning with a couple of coronaviruses

June 21, 2020 by Stephen Altschuler Leave a Comment

Abe and Gert: A morning with a couple of coronaviruses

 

Location: a café

 

Characters : Abe and Gert, two coronavirus friends inside a cup stained with coffee and some chocolate croissant crumbs

 

Day after the Trump rally in Tulsa, Oklahoma

 

Abe: So how’d you sleep last night, Gert?

 

Gert: Sleep. Are you kidding? I hardly slept a wink.  I was expecting a feast last night and what did we get—kibble and some bozzo talking for two hours about how he shuffled down a ramp or something. Dude, that guy was so over the top he was like standing on his head. One of our guys told me he was president or something.  But like nobody was there, at least not as many as we expected. Bummer.

 

Abe: Right. Definitely a downer. I mean they had no regard for us. We gotta make a living too , right. BTW, Gert, you look kind of sleepy cute this morning. I don’t know. There’s something about your pigtails. They like sparkle.

 

Gert. Oh please. They’re a mess. I’m hoping to get to the hair dresser today but I don’t think they opened them yet. What do they have against us, closing everything down?

 

Abe: I know. But not to worry. They’re opening again and people are starting to flock after all this time in isolation.  The Covid futures market is booming. You should see my 401Kovid. It hasn’t been this high since the SARS market a few years ago.  That reminds me, I’ve got to call my broker. I got an inside tip on a stock pick that a friend of mine in the White House called me about. This is about to spread like wildfire.

 

Gert: Really. Pray tell. I’m all antennae. And BTW, where is this Trump character going for his next rally. I’ve got to book a ticket.  A lot of our folks were able to infect quite a few last night as just about no one was wearing a mask or social distancing.  Wasn’t that great. They think we’re done, finished, washed up. Arent’ humans wonderful to be around. They’re so accommodating.

 

Abe: And so naïve.  My only fear is that we’ll starve when there are no more of them left.

 

Gert: I know. I lose sleep over that prospect.

 

Abe: OK. Finish your coffee and crumbs. We’ve got a full work day ahead of us.

 

Gert: Right. Ugh. I’ve had way too much chocolate. There goes my figure.

 

END

 

copyright Stephen Altschuler 2020

Filed Under: Donald Trump, Human nature Tagged With: covid-19, White House

Questions and Comments for Donald Trump

May 9, 2020 by Stephen Altschuler Leave a Comment

 

The following questions, concerns, observations, suspicions, and informed comments have been culled from recent news items from reliable sources such as The Washington Post, The New York Times, The New Yorker, NPR news, The Atlantic, and CNN among others. Some of the following are my own suspicions and conclusions. My hope is that a professional investigative reporting team will pick up on some of these and dig deeper.

 

  1. Everything about this botched invasion of Venezuela points to you, Pompeo, and possibly Barr. You had put up a $15-mil reward. You wanted Maduro’s ouster or capture for extradition. And now Pompeo will do anything to get these guys back. Yet another diversionary move to get attention away from virus pandemic and your botched handling of that. Had the raid been successful, you would have taken full credit, which would have helped your reelection. Now that it failed, you deny any responsibility as is your phony and fake news strategy.
  2. The killing of a black man in Georgia looks like a white nationalist action spurred on by your tacit support of these “good people” as you call them.
  3. You have blocked proper testing to keep the Covid-19 numbers low, which you believe will help your reelection. Same with opening up the economy. People will die but your base demands opening and you will feed red meat to that base. Only thing is you’re running out of red meat, literally and figuratively.
  4. You will not wear a mask in public because you do not want to be perceived as weak or unmanly. This has created more polarization. Wear a mask and you’re perceived as a Democrat and liberal (and even a communist!). Don’t wear a mask and you’re seen as pro Trump, for the economy, and fix the economy, forget the elderly proponents.
  5. You blame China to deflect your own blame for your lame response to the virus. This has led to violence and harassment against Chinese and other oriental Americans in our country. You have said little to dissuade this kind of despicable behavior perpetrated mainly by your cult followers. Your bobblehead sycophants in Congress have also said little to stop this violence out of fear you will denigrate them.
  6. You’ve had little consolation for the relatives and friends of those who have died from the virus. This reveals your true nature, namely a lack of compassion and empathy. To compare yourself to Lincoln was among your grossest distortions yet.
  7. You have stated publicly that you only want to send virus relief money to states that are run by Republican governors and legislatures and not send money to Blue states, that it’s unfair to Red states to help out Blue states. More red meat for your cult followers. This virus does not know of political, social, ethnic, economic, or racial differences. It attacks and kills without discrimination. Only you discriminate, as do your cult followers.
  8. You have no real concern for the people of this country as a whole, as a President should have. You are only concerned with your reelection and how it will affect your family and business interests.
  9. You used the National Defense Act to keep a meat plant open in Iowa, much to the chagrin of workers there who are not given proper protection against the virus by management, but would not use it to help produce PPE for vulnerable health workers. Why?
  10. Stimulus checks are mostly delayed for one particular group: elderly who are on Social Security. What have you got against this group? Is it that you think they wouldn’t vote for you anyway since you’re on record to wanting the elimination of Social Security? And how is it that dead people have been issued checks, as well as non-citizen foreigners who were here for school and are now back living overseas? In the meantime, many Americans have not received their checks or direct deposits despite being in great need to pay their bills.
  11. The stock market went up today some 400 points despite unemployment being the highest since the 1930s. Do you have cult followers within the market? Are you trying to manipulate the market? I suspect you are. Have your family members and other cronies engaged in insider trading to pad their pocketbooks. I suspect they have.
  12. You don’t like wearing a mask, personally, even though they help prevent others from getting the virus, and you are directing the CDC to rewrite their guidelines to remove the mask requirement when in public spaces like a food market. If masks help prevent the spread of the virus, why are you trying to do away with the requirement? Is it that, like your cult followers, you don’t like the government telling you what you can and can’t do? This appeals to your base, doesn’t it, and so helps you politically, as is the motive for most of your behavior as president. So it seems that keeping your base happy and loyal is more important than protecting the rest of us from this deadly virus.
  13. Your characterization of the mainstream news media as “the lamestream media” demonizes and negates one of the truly vital aspects of a free, democratic society: a free and vibrant press. It seems your intent is to destroy that free press, and replace it with a kind of right wing, extremist state media that only flatters and sucks up to you, such as found in present day China, North Korea, and, increasingly, Russia. I won’t even pose a question since I already know the answer.
  14. You have manipulated and repressed valid Covid-19 statistics in order to cover up their implications to your reelection efforts. Why have you done this? To advance your own sordid goals at the expense of those suffering from this pandemic and those on the front lines fighting it.

***

I truly wish to see you voted out of office, then prosecuted, and sentenced to years in prison. You have professed to Make America Great Again. Instead you have polarized its people, inspired its extremist elements, and ruined its standing and image in the world with your poisonous rhetoric and your adolescent Tweets. You are an incorrigible bully, sir, and are not worthy of the office you unfortunately hold.

 

 

Filed Under: Donald Trump Tagged With: Barr, CDC, China, covid-19, Maduro, masks, Pompeo, PPE, Social Security, Stimulus checks, Virus

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