Trump total stock market index report from Breakable News, where we get all the latest reliably fake news to you, our valued readers (now down to three in our latest FB/twitter polling), in a few days or so
Financial reporters at Breakable News are on breakables today, exhausted from recent volatility in the Trump market
Seems the market has become so synced to trump that it fell sharply on news that he cut his breakfast donut count from four to three jellys and five to four chocolates in one day. Dow Industrials slipped the most followed by grocery chains. Lay-offs are immanent. Exports are down. Imports up. GDP down slightly. Deficit out the window. However later in the day trump reversed course and unaccountably increased donut consumption to previous levels. Market soared. White House sources could not be contacted for comment, although a press conference Is scheduled for 2 am tomorrow morning before the opening of days trading.
In other news, trump changed his mind five times in two days over renewed stimulus funding, admitting he had to to bolster his sagging poll numbers. Apparently he had his budget office research battleground states, not only county by county but street by street, and then house by house to determine more precise totals. Market numbers fluctuated with the results as each household was contacted. By days end there were no changes in poll numbers from the previous day. As an aside our volatility correspondent reported that five trump market brokers all jumped to their death from an open stock market window. The was no direct comment from the White House on either the polls or the deaths, but a statement was eventually issued blaming Michelle Obama, Amanda Kloots, Joe Biden, Lincoln Project Republicans, and all Democrats everywhere/all the time.
“The economy is back on track and doing great,” a phlegmatic, coronavirus-ridden Trump announced later in the day, prompting his market to soar to record levels. But five minutes later, after the unmasked supposed leader of the free world coughed and left the press conference abruptly, the market sank to a new all time low.
By the end of the day, we at the Breakable News editorial desk were unable locate our trump market reporter for a wrap up on the days outcome and analyst reactions. As usual, his phone seemed to be on the fritz and his voicemail was full and unable to take messages. We did get a call directly from the president himself but after putting him on hold, we forgot that we had done so. We finally did answer his call three hours later—he was still holding—but we had passed our deadline and hung up on him.
So in summary, we have nothing new to report on the country’s financial health, now or prospects for the future. But as soon as we know more, we’ll be sure to let you know in—as always—a few days or so.
That’s it for now. Have a wing ding of a day. And from all of us at Breakable News, relaaaaax.