Breakable News, the news you wished you’d unsubscribed to before this report hit your screens, has stumbled upon a story that not only has legs but liver. Our White House Rose Garden correspondent Rosie Flowers (yes, we do have a reporter specifically assigned to the Rose Garden!) emerged from a pod of lilies in a backwater pool during what one guest called a Rose Garden White Elephant Christmas Sale, hosted by none other than Donald and Melania themselves, assisted by all their children, and designated maskless and socially close, of course. Here’s the transcript of Flower’s report.
RF: Excuse me, Mr. President, what’s going on?
DJT: Now Rosie, I’m tired of your meddling. This was supposed to be a top secret, National Security event, you know. But if you must know, we’re having a sale of our possessions tremendously acquired over the past four years, completely, I might add, with taxpayers’ money, to make some extra dough for our Election Reversal Fund and to cut down on boxes we’ll need to pick up from the UHaul It store.
RF: But I thought that Fund was well funded by your loyal base supporters, Mr. President. Money was rolling in. Last I heard, some 20 million.
DJT: It was rolling in, nicely, I might add—more than any other Election Reversal Fund in the history of this country—until that stupid AJ Barr of mine opened his big pie hole to say Biden won, which he hasn’t, you know. And then that traitor McConnell follows suit. And even my Supreme Court. Well, and you can print this, I won, by a lot. Congress is currently working on that. Would you be interested, by the way, in this imitation gold plated demitasse tea service?
RF: How much?
DJT: Let me check with Melania. Melania, dear. Melania. How much for the tea set? What? Really? OK. (back to RF) Ten million.
RF: Would you take three?
RF: No, three dollars.
DJT: Look, this isn’t any crap stuff out here. There‘s never been anything like it at this dump. And by the way, not a word of this sale in your fake news rag. Clear?
RF: Sure, sure. How much have you taken people for so far?
DJT: Oh big time. They’re swarming through here like murder hornets in a beehive. McConnell bought the mask I ripped off at the press conference the other day for two mil. And Pompeo and his wife bought seven gold plated toilets for five.
DJT: Million, smart aleck. I signed each one with my sharpie, then shrewdly sold the sharpie to one of my Scotus appointees—I won’t say who—for a mil. We are raking it in. And I haven’t even started with the GoFundMe fund yet. Ask Melania. She organized this whole thing. Brilliant. You know, the Rose Garden was her pet project. Great girl. I revised the pre-nup and increased her allowance to 20 mil a week.
RF: But what about the Covid pandemic, sir? It’s raging out of control. What are you doing about that?
DJT: That’s a fraud. Total fraud. Fauci and the Democrats made the whole thing up. I just wrote an Executive Order banning the mention of it among all Federal agencies and U.S citizens. Wanna buy the sharpie I used?
RF: How much?
DJT: Never mind. If you have to ask, you can’t afford it, I always say. But business is a little slow. Lunch time, you know. I’ll give it to you for three bucks, but don’t tell Melania. How’d you get in here, anyway?
RF: What? You never noticed? I live here. In a tent behind the alligator pond.
DJT: Oh. Roger that. Hey, I’m busy, Flowers. I’ve got to get to my resort for a tee time with Mnuchin. He’s buying my supercharged golf cart.
RF: How much?
DJT: Don’t ask. But he checked with Bannon and was able to transfer some wall construction money into my personal account. Half a billion, I think. Wait, I’ll check with Ivanka. She handles stuff like this.
RF: That’s OK. I think we’re done here.
DJT: Whoa, Whoa, Whoa. That’s my line!
And there you have it, faithful Breakable readers. You heard it right from the ass’s mouth. And remember, repeat this to no one or the Wizard of Oz will cast vicious tweets upon you and yours.