Breakable News announces through its extensive election coverage contacts that Joe Biden is the winner of the U.S. Presidency with Donald Trump a whinning second. This, of course, is not true, at the moment, but because of declining newsstand sales, we needed to attract more attention. And…now that we have your attention, have you considered subscribing to our excellent news media service? We promise nothing, only that, in the words of defamed Woody Allen, we will show up. Our subscription rate is 3.5K/year, but because of the Covid “slight cold” situation we’ve lowered it to 3K/year, payable in gold coin. Now, onto the news of the day.
This just in from Sheboygan, Wisconsin. On this unusually hot day, Ms. Alice T. Murphy’s cat is high up on her metal roof again, and is insisting it will not come down until the election is decided. The cat, named Nine Lives, shows signs of depression, according to a Sheboygan rescue unit, and therapist, Dr. Cilia Syben, has been called to the scene. Our correspondent, Johnnie O.T. Spot, was able to record some of the interaction.
Dr. S: Now Nine, we’ve been through this before. Come on down now. I’ve got a nice treat for you.
NL: No, I don’t want your condescending treats, Dr. Silly. I’m safe up here. Can’t see any TV coverage of the election, and what I can’t see, means it hasn’t happened.
Dr. S: Now you know that isn’t true. That would imply that you control the world, doesn’t it, my little monkey face.
NL: Wrong species, Doc. Anyway, you’re wrong. Cats do control the world. Just look at us. Do we run around like you people looking for an open market at 11 pm so we can buy a chocolate chip cookie?
Dr. S: Now, now, kitty. Enough of that. Why, do you know of a store that’s open and sells such cookies?
NL: Bingo. I rest my case. Now, can you call off Trump’s Army and let me take a little snooze. I’m a cat, you know, and proud of it.
At that point Spot’s tape ran out, so we don’t know how things worked out for this cat on a hot tin roof, but as is our commitment to fake news, we’ll let you know within three days, if we get around to it.
This also just in, Trump has resorted to sueing individual Democrats for voting against him, claiming that he ran a “perfect” campaign of degradation, innuendo, falsivity (his word), and the best misinformation available. He sees no reason for a vote against him and is actually bypassing lower courts to go directly to the Supreme Court “where my judges sit” (his words). This is a continuing story and we’ll continue following it providing our ace reporter is not otherwise incapacitated.
And finally, our pandemic top of the tip–or tip of the top–of the day: To hear absolutely no news, except today’s weather in Portland Oregon, tune into All Classical Portland for the best in classical music. It’s a favorite of Nine Lives and other cats of his ilk. It streams worldwide from their app, and–our tip within a top tip–Alexa knows how to find the station. And, for once, this is really true!
That’s it for today. Breakable-lings. Sleep tight and don’t let democracy go the fate of the Holy Roman Empire.