Because of my brother Hank’s direct appeal, Breakable News Board of Mis-Directors (BOMD) has rejected the Trump organization’s hostile bid to buy the world-ignored fake news agency for three billion USD. “You, your brother, and your whole antifa outfit are phony liberal radical left wing commies, intent on destroying American cities run by Dems and fueled by methane gas from cows and your other followers,” a steroid-infused Trump tweeted Thursday night. Nonetheless, we are adhering to our BOMD’s decision and will soldier on providing you, our loyal and limited readers, with news you probably shouldn’t bother reading. We will continue with a generous $250 grant from the Sioux City Iowa Kiwanis along with reader contributions, giving us a grand total of $252.50 in our war chest (thanks to my cousin in LA for that late arriving donation).
In appreciation to Hank for directing us away from that nasty three billion, we decided to hire him as our new head of our Breakable Sports department, with all the sports news you never knew that you needed to know but was presented to you regardless. We hired HRA immediately after he knew the answer to what was Richie Ashburn’s batting average in 1958. Both my brother who is six years older, and I grew close when we suffered through the Phillies cellar teams of the 50’s, culminating in the woebegone ’64 team, run by Gene Mauch that took a nose dive after leading the league in September and lost a sure-thing pennant. After that we, and pretty much the entire population of the City of Brotherly Love, lost all hope, and, as for Hank and I, took to the streets and pursued a life of destitution, retribution, and tribulation (I kid my brother!). Anyway, all was rectified when his daughter Ellen, my niece, married the perfect man and sports maven, and now Hank’s son in law from heaven, Mike Barkann, the best, and most respected, sports show host (and great guy) for over 20 years in Philly, a town that eats some sports figures for breakfast. Mike refers to Hank often to fill the gaps in his sports history knowledge (true, that).
And check out their wonderful family-run Barkann Foundation to discover the healing work they are doing in the community (the preceding was a bona fide Breakable News plug and, contrary to most of the other news we offer, is totally true, attaining multiple seals of approval).
Well, now that I’ve uncovered much of my brother’s and my sordid history (payback, Hank, for when you pinned me to the floor when I was 8, and tormented me, with our mother too out of range to hear my screams!), I’ll just say that we’re thrilled to have Hank, a great Overbrook High basketball player in his own right, who once played schoolyard ball with a young Wilt Chamberlain (true, that), is on staff. He will, I’m sad to say, need to accept vouchers as remuneration, and will still have to pay out of pocket for travel expenses, but, he will not have to stay at Trump hotels as the Orange man had required for the deal to go through.
Now that Breakable News has wasted most your morning with news you didn’t need to hear, we’ll conclude with a word from our (only) fake sponsor, the Sioux City Kiwanis Club:
What Me Worry? Just Vote, and make sure it’s Blue not Orange!