What’s all the hullabaloo, you ask? Well, Breakable News–the news America turns to after Fox News has folded after Trump is gone– has acquired Facebook, forming an entirely new department called BreakaBook. Isn’t that the bee’s knees? We thought so too. Of course, Facebook, as we now know it, will still be available on newsstands by subscription only. After intense negotiations with Mark Zuckerberg, they agreed to sell only if we returned to their original mission of bringing the world together with pleasant social content only. No more fake news. No more hatred. No more nasty comments. No more wacko conspiracy theories. No more politics. No more coronavirus misinformation. Just 24/7 cats, dogs, horses, gardens, seagulls, ping pong, and pecan pies. Oh sure, puzzles too. Lots of puzzles and petifores, petunias, pets, and people–happy, loving, generous, smiling people. All the stuff Mark envisioned as he lounged around his dorm room, before he got greedy after figuring out that puzzles didn’t sell ads, before he started cranking out those algorithms that noted every product, every fantasy, damn, every thought that ever came floating by our brains and spit them back to “third parties” that turned out to be a whole lot more than “third parties”, better known as high roller global corporations. When the money started tsunamiing in, Mark still hoped to bring the world together, but placed it a bit further down his “to do” priorities list that turned into a kind of ghost list–it was there but you couldn’t see it.
Soon Facebook, lacking editors as newspapers, magazines, and normal websites have, was helping to start wars, elect charletans, encourage white supremacy, spread nutsy conspiracy theories, inspire hate crimes, spawn fake accounts from eastern Europe and Russia that were out to stir discord in America–stuff that Mark never imagined would sprout from his little dorm room entrepreneurial brainstorm. He just envisioned billions from around the world holding hands digitally and singing Kumbaya. And this actually came to fruition…only thing was quite a few other hands had rudely joined with blood on them.
So we called Mark after his last Congressional hearing and asked if he was interested in talking and dealing. Well gosh did he jump at that like a trout does a fly. Here’s how our conversation went, with Mark visibly nervous and sweating profusely:
BreakaBook: So Mark, where does that leave Facebook now?
MZ: Huh? Wha? I dunno. I’ve got 17 houses around the world with a new car out front each of them. Couple of planes. How am I going to afford all that? We’re a tech company not a news outlet. I’m in over my head, Breakable. You gotta help me out of this mess. We just figured on the First Amendment. Whatever was posted, we allowed. Me and the guys figured everyone would be nice. I’m down to the last hairs on my head.
BaB: All right. Calm down. Calm TF down. Just leave the country. We’ll take care of Congress…and Trump.
MZ: But…but…what about bringing the entire world together as one? What about our mission, our purpose…our…our… money?
BaB: But think of it. No stress. No Trump ranting and raving, threatening lawsuits. No Ted Cruz screaming in your face. No Lindsay Graham’s smarmy comments. No…
MZ: But…but…no money?
BaB: Well…no. But you can always spend your days BreakaBooking. Think of all the BreakaBook friends you’ll have. All the cat videos you can watch. All the family photos you can view and comment on. All the puzzles you can puzzle over. Think of it…Mark?… Mark? Sheesh. He just up and left….
And there you have it, Breakableables. Another Breakable exclusive. Just go to BreakaBook dot calm to comment. But remember, nothing negative, controversial, obnoxious, or anxiety producing. As we say here at BreakaBook, keep it light, keep it lovely, keep it to yourself.
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