Breakable News Flash/ All the (fake) News Unfit to Print
Our viral correspondent Zoom Zambezi had the good fortune of stumbling upon a couple of coronaviruses having breakfast in his fav cafe yesterday and filed this report:
ZZ: Morning, boys. What’s new?
CV1: Busy, busy. Like bees in a hive. You can’t imagine. When I took this gig, I just didn’t anticipate getting away with this for so long. Doesn’t say much about your species, does it?
ZZ: Uh. I suppose not. Where you off to next?
CV2: White House, of course. We got the word Trump, we call him Big Stupid, left the hospital before his treatment was over and insisted on getting back to work and the campaign. That’s our man. That sucker has kept us in business for months now. We couldn’t have put a better ambassador in charge if one of us was president of this gullible country. How you doin’?
ZZ: Busy too. You can imagine. I’m Breakable News viral correspondent. 24/7 for me. Never a Covid-free moment. Are you guys on break?
CV1: We demanded a break in our last contract talks. Management resisted. Said there were too many blokes out there to infect. That we had a responsibility to our species to meet them on the beaches, meet them in the air, meet them in the cities, etc. etc. Wartime footing, dontchaknow. It’s rough. We don’t get home much. Shesh, I do miss the kids. Those little pigtailed parameciums. You should see the greeting I get when I do get a little vacation time.
CV2: And the tears when we have to return to the front.
CV1: True, that.
ZZ: How much longer you figure this war will continue?
CV2: That’s the thing. Every time we think we’re near the end, your people, led by Big Stupid, do something new to keep us infiltrating and infecting. We’ve just ordered new war hats for our troops with Keep Covid Great Again on them. It’s quite inspiring to see our troops march in the White House and Congress wearing those war hats.
CV1: Right. And Big Stupid keeps blaming us, but it’s actually him whose keeping the war going. That seems to be his strategy, which is hard for us to swallow. We didn’t ask for this struggle. We’re ready to quit if the proper precautions are put into place, but Big Stupid is making sure that doesn’t happen. Try explaining that to my 2 month old at home!
ZZ: Tell me about it. Breakable News keeps trying to educate him and his equally stupid followers, but all we get is shit thrown back at us. It’s extremely frustrating, and our four or so readers are fed up, though we’re hopeful they continue to stick with us and carry on the fight.
CV2: So there are those among you who don’t follow Big Stupid?
ZZ: Oh sure. A lot of good, kind, empathic, and intelligent folks.
CV1: Well, that’s good to know. Gives us hope that we can soon end this war and get back to our families.
CV2: Amen to that. Well, gotta get going, Zoom. Can’t dawdle too long over breakfast. There’re lungs to infect out there, and people to kill. And as long as Big Stupid stays in charge, it should be easy pickings for us front line troops. Be well, Zoom, and take care. You’re on our side, but we don’t care who we infect. Our radar tells us exactly who is least protected. We finally got Big Stupid, which is why we got a little extra time off this morning. Quite a celebration last night.
CV1: But now we hear he’s back to Big Denial again. So off we go. Later, dude.
ZZ: Yeh. You guys take care. See you again soon, I’m sure.
Thank you, Zoom for that informative, first-hand report.
And now, as promised, here’s today special feature: A retired guy’s guide to fashion.
First, be sure and change your underpants and tee shirts daily, even if you don’t feel like it. Colors optional.
Next, changing socks is optional, usually not required, they might dirty faster walking around the house all day during the pandemic.
No need for daily changing of outer clothing such as shorts, jeans, pants of any kind. But as stains increase, spousal complaints usually increase as well, so stains should be monitored accordingly.
Of course, masks should be worn in public places or when speaking with people you probably shouldn’t be speaking to anyway. Retired guys have a generally bad reputation among the general population, and have ever since ancient times, even prehistorically speaking.
And that’s about it, dear readers. Be sure to leave any comments below. They will not be read or responded to but at least you’ll have the satisfaction of having taken some action against today’s special feature. L’Chiam.