Yes, Breakable News returns after a highly welcomed hiatus to offer its latest scooperdoopers from our ace reporter, I.M. Nobody. Following our strict policy of never fact checking our ace reporters, here’s the latest. No responses please, including death threats. We’re very sensitive people here.
* The new film Tehran will be filmed at Mar a Lago and downtown Cleveland and star Mike Pompeio and Roger Stone in a cameo role. Female lead is Marjorie Taylor Greene playing an Iatoldyouso.
* Mike Pence has given life to a new book called How Dare You. He’s telling all potential buyers they have no choice but to buy it.
* Donald Trump has let go of his social media failure Truth to one called Blah, Blah, Blah, featuring…well… the title does say it, doesn’t it.
* Johnny Depp and Amber Heard will be headlining a ten round fight tonight in Vegas. Depp will be wearing gold bling…only; while Amber will be…crying, probably.
* Oprah’s talked about interview with Queen Elizabeth is postponed and will follow an interview with Merrick Garland which has also been postponed with Garland’s spokesperson claiming needing more time to examine its questionable optics. Instead Oprah has nailed an interview with Prince Louie, 25th in line to the throne. She’s really got the buzz going, calling it Something’s Screwy with Louie who just turned six according to Royal watchers.
* Tiger Woods’ most recent accident came when he apparently fell asleep on a zip line crossing a huge crevasse in Denali National Park. He broke all his ribs and most of his organs relocated to distant parts of his body, and his doctors will not reveal where his brain is, but, we understand, Tiger will be back in action for the PGA later this month.
* In a surprise move, Dr. Fauci has gone into hiding in the Ukraine, tweeting that he feels safer there than in America where he gets more death threats than mosquitoes in New Hampshire.
* Grand Poopoop of the KKK, William Hammerhead, on the strength of a prized endorsement from Donald Trump, is running for the Senate in Georgia and is expected to run away…with it or from it, we’re not sure. Trump says he was only joking. He checked a map and thought it was for the country of Georgia.
* The Supreme Court of the U.S. has become so well defended with electrified fences, guard dogs, and white supremacist security teams, along with a front gate that only opens with an encrypted password, that at least five of the nine justices were seen outside the gate unable to remember the password. Crowds were closing in on them as we approached our publishing deadline. Story to be continued…….
* And finally, the Proud Boys, under investigation by the DOJ, have changed their name to Proud to be Boys. DOJ, satisfied that they’ve mended their ways, has dropped the case.
That’s it for now, dear readers. We hope you spread the word about Breakable News, the most reliably unreliable news source in America, and, other than Russia, the world. Housebroken cats and puppies are among our most devoted followers.
Ta, ta, and have a lovely Mother’s Day. It’s the one thing all of us on this planet, including lions, tigers, mosquitoes, whales and duckies, have in common: Mothers.