Breakable News, on the job, following the following breakable reports

News of the people, by the people, and for the people, but that few people will have the time or the inclination to actually read.

On the scene at Rust.  Crack Santa Fe police, after an intensive investigation, have uncovered and revealed the actual gun and shell casing used by Alec Baldwin to shoot his director of photography and film director on the set of the movie Rust. The head detective, who we understand has taken a correspondence course in criminology, was given the gun by Baldwin and the shell was miraculously discovered embedded in the shoulder of the Director. The assistant director who gave the loaded gun to Baldwin after telling him it was a “cold gun,” and who has been accused of other such careless acts was interviewed and released after admitting he didn’t check the gun properly before handing it to Baldwin. No one has been charged with a crime, with the deceased director of photography’s 9 year old son and her husband left to grieve the loss of their beloved wife and mother, knowing that more than likely no one will be held responsible.

In another example of crack police work, investigators delving into the Gabby Petito murder and Brian Laundrie suicide mistook Laundrie’s mother for Laundrie when she emerged from the family’s Mustang wearing a ball cap a few days after Laundrie went hiking at a nearby wilderness park. “They had similar builds,” said the local sheriff, explaining in detail the explanations of the explaining surveillance officers. “We made a mistake,” he explained in further detail. Meanwhile, none of the explaining detectives could explain why no one had asked the parents if they asked Laundrie when he returned from his trip West–the one he and Ms. Petito took with much fanfare, “Where’s Gabby?” and, if so, what was his reply? The sheriff merely explained that his family only referred all questions to their lawyer who explained that Laundrie’s parent had nothing to explain, he explained. Our investigative reporter Manuel Explandito finally got tired of all the “explanations” and abruptly, without explanation, left to cover the story of a cat up a tree down the block.

In the midst of a world-ending climate crisis that shows no signs of resolution, a Breakable research team found that 99.99% of the world’s population is continuing to live their lives exactly as they did yesterday and have no plans to change. One of our reporters followed up with a question to a resident of the world, “Are you concerned?” Whereupon the resident, sweating profusely, answered, “About what?”

School board members across the nation are receiving death threats from parents who don’t want any actual verified history to be taught to their children for fear their children will begin to hate their own white skins and perhaps even try to rip off their skins if they are told about how the country was built on the whipped backs of Black African slaves and how the West was won over the bodies of dead Native Americans who had been living there for about ten thousand years before the Europeans came and took the land away from them. Our reporter on the scene asked a parent what it was they wanted, to which the parent heatily replied, “I’ll kill those m…..f…….ers!”

Our Washington correspondent John Dillinger conducted a round table discussion with U.S. representatives Margorie Taylor Green, Lauren Boebert, Matt Gaetz, along with senators Mitch McConnell, Ted Cruz, and Josh Hawley but had to end the session before it got started since Green refused to wear a Covid-required mask, Boebert refused to check her gun at the door, Gaetz insisted on bringing a young female friend with him, McConnell began to filibuster the meeting, Cruz excused himself saying he had a plane to catch to Cancun, and Hawley had to give some Proud…, er interested citizens a tour of the Capitol building. Oh, one other impediment to the meeting…An uninvited Donald Trump muscled his way to the head of the line saying the meeting was a lie, a hoax, a sham, and was convened without his knowledge. He is suing Breakable for a hundred million and demanding an apology for defamation of something or other. (If nothing else, Breakable News at least gets the names right!)

Breaking News from Breakable’s up-to-the-weekly ticker tape: China invades Taiwan but immediately surrenders when Taiwan cuts off China’s supply of computer chips. Taiwan takes over mainland, sending Xi Zinping to a “reeducation center” in Xinjiang Uyghur Autonomous Region in Northwest China.

And that wraps it up for today, dear readers. We recommend you spend the rest of the day in a deprivation tank, masked and without access to cell phone or Facebook. We call it The Cold Turkey Cure.

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Once again, we recommend a couple of books you might want to check out, that make good deprivation tank reading. They are Into the Woods…and Beyond; and The Valley Spirit: Living a Tao-inspired Life, both written and published by Yours Truly of Sacajawea Press. You’ll find them at Amazon with reviews at stephenaltschuler.com. Many thanks.