Breakable News/ Oct 10/ Trump Threatens to prosecute all available Democrats before the election
BN staff are dropping like flies (no offense to any flies), but in keeping with our commitment to report fake news that is covered by almost no other news source in the world, today’s report involves a president who is absolutely under the gun and over the top. This is looking more and more like a WWI documentary, but Hollywood couldn’t write this stuff. Trump is ordering AG Bill Barr, better known as Wild Bill Barr, to indict as many Democrats as he can fit on a writ of habeas whatever, before the election 22 days from now. We attempted to interview AG Barr, but he was shaking so hard in his boots, words were unavailable to him. He issued several grunting noises over the phone that sounded like Koko the gorilla, only Koko was far more intelligible. So instead, we went ahead and interviewed a close relative of Koko’s named Little Koko since Koko Sr. passed in 2018.
BN: Little Koko, what do think about the president’s efforts to prosecute Democratic leaders past and present before the election.
LK: Look, where I come from, we would take that First Moron, hang him from a tree, and use him for a tetherball. That’s all he’s good for.
BN: A tetherball?
LK: I know that sounds harsh, but in the law of the jungle we respect all sentient beings. Trump is no sentient being, so yes, swat him this way and that like a tetherball. In the jungle we call a spade a spade, tit for tat, Quid pro quo. An eye for an eye. We don’t take no shit.
BN: Would you give him a fair trial?
LK: Has he given anyone a fair trial with his tweets and lies and career-busting nicknames, and the rest of his monkey business—no offense to our chimp cousins? In the jungle, it’s judge, jury, and executioner, and I can tell you, as a gorilla who knows, Trump is toast. And as toast, he’s in a panic. And when T rump is in a panic he does stupid things like wanting to take Democrats like Hillary, Obama, and even Biden to court 20 days before the election. That would be like Idi Amin choosing Tel Aviv for a vacation back in the day. Trump, who reminds me of Amin, should be committed to a mental hospital.
BN: Well, thanks so much Little Koko for your candidness and transparency. By the way, how did you learn to speak such good English?
LK: Ah, long story short: Watching old John Wayne movies.
And that concludes our coverage of another of Trump’s rapid fire actions seemingly to deflect attention from his poor ratings in the polls.
In other news, 12 white supremacist terrorists were accused and arrested on charges of planning to kidnap and kill the Governor of Michigan. So far, there’s been no comment from the White House or Attorney General Barr’s office, neither of whom knew about the FBI infiltration. Trump reportedly did say he wanted to be thanked for the arrests, despite his never being informed of the agency’s efforts.
Today’s Breakable News recipe for the day: Bouillon tea
Ingredient: 1 or 2 Bouillon cube(s)
Instructions: Boil enough water to fill a cup. Pour.
Drop in one or two cube(s), to taste. Serve and drink. Caution: Those on salt-restricted diets should drink something else.
And that concludes another mis-informative edition of Breakable News for whatever day it is. We beg you to return tomorrow and be more misinformed than with any other news source (with the exception of the White House website and/or press secretary, or any tweets from the president himself).