Archives for October 2020

A Breakable News Exclusive! An Interview with D.J. Trump

October 27, 2020 by Stephen Altschuler 1 Comment

Breakable News, news that we think you might need but you know, down deep, that you don’t need at all, had the remarkable good luck of bumping into-literally-Donald J. Trump just after he walked out of the 60 Minutes interview. He was taking what we smelled as a THC break from the stress of being asked questions “that weren’t fair” he said, in the tone and demeanor of our next door neighbor’s eleven year old. Here’s how our impromptu session went.

Breakable News (BN): Mr. President, got a few minutes?

Trump: What? Breakable? I don’t know if you people like me or not. I think you do, but I get confused by the way you put things sometimes. Kinda quirky. But people tell me you love America and you love me, so, sure, what’s on your mind?

BN: Yeah, Your Grace, we were just…

Trump: Like that, see. Your Grace. I like that. Shows respect. But no need to bow or anything like that. People might think I like England, God forbid. I didn’t bow to the queen when I met her, you know. And I told Melania, Don’t bow, you hear me. Don’t F’ing bow. Any more questions, Breakable?

BN: Right. About the pandemic…

Trump: First of all, we don’t use that word on the White House grounds. I’ve banned it, and have even ordered it removed from all dictionaries. And with my last EO concerning all fed employees, I can now fire anyone who uses the p word. Same with the c words around this little cold going around. I had it too, but thanks to a couple pills, some intravenous, oxygen, and some steroid sh-t, bam, it was gone like a squirrel up a tree. What else you got? I’m a busy man.

BN: Yeah, right. What are your plans around curing this little cold once you’re reelected?

Trump: That’s a nasty question, and you know it. You don’t ask questions like that of the President, you hear me. Who do you think you are, and who do you think I am? Your house ni….I mean, your butler? If I wasn’t standing here answering your stupid questions, I’d get up and leave like I did on that lady in there. Now what else? I can smell my filet and fries cooking. It’s close to feeding time, and I never miss feeding time.

BN: I think that’ll wrap it up, Mr. President. Deep thanks for taking the time for such an in depth interview. We’ll give you top billing on Breakable News tonight. First story.

Trump: And only story, I assume. Gotta run. And I want the tape of this talk destroyed, you understand. People might get the wrong idea.

BN: True, that.

Wasn’t that great! Such clarity. Such insight. Such transparency. Another crystal clear example of who to vote for in this next election and why.

***

Today’s featured recipe: Proud Boys Delicious Apple AK-47 Pie–the dish that satisfies and intimidates at the same time.

Ingredients: apples, the more tasteless the better

an AK-47 rifle, locked and loaded (for taste only)

Sugar, 10 pounds

Instructions: In big, and I mean big, pot, place the rifle.

Surround it with sliced apples and sugar

Cook for awhile. Remove rifle before serving.

Proud Boys–the adorable picture of the Boys wearing aprons and guns in their test kitchen we were unable to supply–who sent in this recipe, informed us they are well aware there is no crust involved in this traditional dish, a fact they are proud of, citing their First and Second Amendment rights, and dare anyone to criticize them.

Breakable News Breaking News, Thursday, Oct. 22, Trump’s Twitter Password

October 22, 2020 by Stephen Altschuler Leave a Comment

Breakable News has learned our Dutch affliliate has been able to hack into Donald Trump’s twitter account by guessing his password, which—you’re not going to believe this—is maga2020 (true, that!). This also makes accessible the accounts of all of his 87 million followers. So we waltzed in to see what we could find.

Putin: There is the problem with Navalny, Donald, my friend. My agents were unsuccessful in fully taking care of the matter, and was wondering if you had the resources to…

Trump: Vlad, my brother, ask no further. Consider the problem taken care of. You know Quid Pro Quid, or whatever. I’ve got an agent who speaks fluent Yiddish—just joking, comrade. Navalny is toast. Gotta run. Got the rocket man coming in with a message. Kim, my friend, my love, what can I do for you?

Kim Jong Un: Comrade Donny, am needing some sanction relief to buy a couple more Jags. You good with dat?

Trump: Good? Are you kidding? Consider it done. Just don’t tell anyone, K? Whoops, gotta run. Message coming in. Starting to feel like a switchboard operator. That’s an American joke, Kimmy…or is it Jongy…or Unny. Ha Ha.

Proud Boy: Hey dude Pres. Listen , we need another endorsement since you kind of dis’ed us last week (we know, wink wink). You know, something subtle like “I am Proud to be an America, but Boy, it’s getting cold, better get my hat.” Like dat.

Trump: No problemo, Proudy. I’m on it. Check the news tonight. Jeez, gotta go, another message.

Breakable News reporter: Mr. President, so nice to reach you this morning. How are you?

Trump: Who the hell is this? How did you get into my account? It’s more secure than anything Obama or Hillary ever had.

Breakable: No problemo, sir. We just took a wild stab and there you were.

Trump: Shit, Barr told me everything was tight. That nobody could guess my password, which me myself and I don’t even remember. You haven’t read any of the past few messages, have you, Breaky?

Breakable: Oh no, sir. Mums the word. You can be sure of that, although we so suggest you might change that maga2020 password.

Trump: Why, you actually think anyone’s gonna guess that? You fake news people are nasty and stupid. Idiots! I’m banning you from this account.

And there it is, dear readers. An exclusive with our dear leader of the free world. But don’t any of you try to breach the account. You’ll get in but you might not get out.

***

In other news, Covid is now totally out of control in the U.S. with 215,000 deaths. The Trump Administration has no comment and Trump never mentioned it at his rally last night. Like the phrases “climate change” and “global warming” , Trump has also banned the words “pandemic”, Covid-19, and coronavirus from all government documents and has threatened agency heads with execution, Putin-style—we also learned from his Twitter account—if they utter them.

And here’s today’s feature: 10 Way(s) to Lighten Up during these challenging times (borrowed from the White House website—sorry, but all of our staff are down with Covid):

Don’t Worry: Be Happy! (repeat 10x)

A Crisis of Trust: A Time to Act

October 17, 2020 by Stephen Altschuler 2 Comments

David Brooks, NYT columnist, NPR commentator, and moderate Republican is right: What we have in this country is a crisis involving trust, namely a lack of it. I got my ballot in the mail today, filled it out, and read the instructions for delivery. Here’s what it said, “If you have concerns regarding delivery of your ballot by the USPS, you may use one of our 20 ballot boxes.” That from the state of Washington Elections Department. So that’s what it’s come to: an official state elections agency cautioning us about the possibility of our post office intentionally not delivering our ballot by the deadline. That is something I’ve never had to consider before, and it distresses me to no end. I struggle now what what to do with my ballot: take a chance and put it in a post box or drive around and put it in an official ballot drop box or drive downtown and hand it directly in to the elections office. And this is supposedly one of the world’s most stable democracies! I also worry, with the atmosphere of violence that is permeating the air around the election, that someone will torch a drop box, ruining and disqualifying all the ballots inside; or that armed militia might patrol polling places around the country as the president of our country has requested, thus intimidating voters not to vote at all. Trust. Or lack of it.

Vaccines are another issue. Trump is pushing companies with his project Warp Speed to fast track vaccine research to get a vaccine ready before the election to obviously help his chances. Would I, or anyone in their right mind, take such a vaccine? Not hardly. Again, trust. Or lack of it.

Or take this bogus Supreme Court nomination being pushed through the Senate so the Republicans can pack the court with another conservative just in case Trump loses, and that Trump can have a Justice that will rule in his favor in case the election is contested as it was in [Read more…] about A Crisis of Trust: A Time to Act

Trump’s Plans for Buying Breakable News have Broken Down

October 16, 2020 by Stephen Altschuler Leave a Comment

Because of my brother Hank’s direct appeal, Breakable News Board of Mis-Directors (BOMD) has rejected the Trump organization’s hostile bid to buy the world-ignored fake news agency for three billion USD. “You, your brother, and your whole antifa outfit are phony liberal radical left wing commies, intent on destroying American cities run by Dems and fueled by methane gas from cows and your other followers,” a steroid-infused Trump tweeted Thursday night. Nonetheless, we are adhering to our BOMD’s decision and will soldier on providing you, our loyal and limited readers, with news you probably shouldn’t bother reading. We will continue with a generous $250 grant from the Sioux City Iowa Kiwanis along with reader contributions, giving us a grand total of $252.50 in our war chest (thanks to my cousin in LA for that late arriving donation).

In appreciation to Hank for directing us away from that nasty three billion, we decided to hire him as our new head of our Breakable Sports department, with all the sports news you never knew that you needed to know but was presented to you regardless. We hired HRA immediately after he knew the answer to what was Richie Ashburn’s batting average in 1958. Both my brother who is six years older, and I grew close when we suffered through the Phillies cellar teams of the 50’s, culminating in the woebegone ’64 team, run by Gene Mauch that took a nose dive after leading the league in September and lost a sure-thing pennant. After that we, and pretty much the entire population of the City of Brotherly Love, lost all hope, and, as for Hank and I, took to the streets and pursued a life of destitution, retribution, and tribulation (I kid my brother!). Anyway, all was rectified when his daughter Ellen, my niece, married the perfect man and sports maven, and now Hank’s son in law from heaven, Mike Barkann, the best, and most respected, sports show host (and great guy) for over 20 years in Philly, a town that eats some sports figures for breakfast. Mike refers to Hank often to fill the gaps in his sports history knowledge (true, that).

And check out their wonderful family-run Barkann Foundation to discover the healing work they are doing in the community (the preceding was a bona fide Breakable News plug and, contrary to most of the other news we offer, is totally true, attaining multiple seals of approval).

Well, now that I’ve uncovered much of my brother’s and my sordid history (payback, Hank, for when you pinned me to the floor when I was 8, and tormented me, with our mother too out of range to hear my screams!), I’ll just say that we’re thrilled to have Hank, a great Overbrook High basketball player in his own right, who once played schoolyard ball with a young Wilt Chamberlain (true, that), is on staff. He will, I’m sad to say, need to accept vouchers as remuneration, and will still have to pay out of pocket for travel expenses, but, he will not have to stay at Trump hotels as the Orange man had required for the deal to go through.

Now that Breakable News has wasted most your morning with news you didn’t need to hear, we’ll conclude with a word from our (only) fake sponsor, the Sioux City Kiwanis Club:

What Me Worry? Just Vote, and make sure it’s Blue not Orange!

Trump Offer to Breakable News

October 15, 2020 by Stephen Altschuler 4 Comments

Breakable has been approached by Trump’s people with an offer to purchase the rag for 3 billion (“an offer you can’t refuse” as Trump added). They’re needing a forum after their expected coming defeat to continue feeding verifiably fake news to their adoring public, and they’ve looked at our numbers and financials and are duly impressed. Our Board of Mis-Directors is currently considering the offer and we will keep you informed as is our usual policy.

There are however some catches. They are requiring:

the Trump brand appear in our logo, in that they require our name change to Trump News
that Trump tweets be the main daily feature
that Trump have final say before publication
that reporters and correspondents be required, when on assignment, to stay at Trump hotels and resorts at their own expense
That armed militia members be hired to stand sentry at office entrances
that only whites (not including Jews or minorities who look white or LBGTQ, actually ‘Qs are fine as long as they are QAnon people since they like America and want it to be great again) be hired (women are OK providing they meet Mr. Trump’s minimum basic standards and measurements).
That no pets be permitted on premises. Too many germs.
that no pandemic related masks or any social distancing be permitted either on the premises or outside or wherever.
That there be no testing for coronavirus since, given his recovery, the pandemic is now officially over, and must be referred to in that manner from henceforth and hitherto throughout his God-given realm.

That’s it for now. We apologize to those readers who have become enamored of The News and can hardly sleep without reading every word and paragraph. On the other hand, most of our readers had already stopped reading as our comments, numbering just about zero, have shown.

So we’ll be breakabling (get it?) until our BOMD makes its decision. As editor, I can’t say I’m disappointed: I’ve got other fish to fry.

Just one last award-losing recipe of the day: Fried Fish

Ingredients: a piece of fish to fry (or pieces depending on how many mouths to feed)

butter, lots

salt and pepper (for those who’ve lost their taste buds due to Covid or with heart failure, fegetaboutit)

Instructions: Heat fry pan on high and add butter. When sizzling, add fish. Salt and pepper. Fry until all harmful bacteria are presumably dead. Serve. Eat.

B’ bye.

Breakable News Special: Voter Suppression Investigative Report Gone Wrong

October 14, 2020 by Stephen Altschuler Leave a Comment

OK, gather your cats round the computer, Love Bugs. Breakable News, in our continuing Cats Rule segment, has a treat for you today. We sent our voter suppression correspondent Charlie Helpdo out on assignment to investigate alleged suppression in Utah and he unfortunately stumbled upon a cougar den with newborn cubs. In a fake news, pretty much real, special report, here are Charlie’s extraordinary videos from the front lines. Charle’s a bit directionally deficient , btw, since our assignment stipulated a voting place at a Mormon Church in downtown Salt Lake City.

First, Charlie stealthfully approaches the den with cubs and their mom. A heartwarming scene, and obviously, our ace reporter surmises, no voter suppression there.

https://youtu.be/gKGwNVwrIBI

Now assuming you’ve seen the preceding video of moma and her cubs, check out this segue where Charlie gets a wee bit too close, arousing the ire of moma cougar. And it finally occurs to our dear ace reporter that perhaps he’s mistaken in assuming this is a legitimate voting place…unless…unless Moma thinks Charlie is a Proud Boy, Charlie ponders.

So herd those cats and watch this exciting conclusion to today’s Cats Rule special. This is a non-continuing story since Charlie, a bit confused after the encounter, has no intention of returning to this particular Church, he reported as he faded into the sunset.

https://youtu.be/9Pg2CDCm34w

Breakable News for Monday, October something or other: Voter Suppression, the latest

October 12, 2020 by Stephen Altschuler Leave a Comment

Monday’s edition of Breakable News, your news source for all the news you thought you could forget about but which we thought you couldn’t.

Today we’re focusing on voter suppression, a key platform objective of the RNC. Our ace reporter, Christiane Notsopoor ·was able to go undercover and actually sneak a tape recorder into RNC’s last meeting in a secret room, the entrance of which was hidden by a rug in a German bakery shop in Sheboygan, Wisconsin. She posed as a Proud Girl of her Proud Boyfriend to gain entry past RNC operatives who failed to vet Notsopoor. We present the unabridged tape to you, our esteemed and increasingly decreasing readership, today.

RNC leader, nicknamed Godfather by Trump himself, hereafter GF: Reports, por favor.

Michigan Generalisimo Herman: All systems on full stop. Mail in ballots blocked by a Trump court. Ballots in one suburb intercepted by pandemic masked operatives and dumped. Knees of reporter for a liberal commie weekly broken.

GF: Excellent. You get an hour off at Trump National New Jersey and a covid-shake of the hand with The Boss. He says “Wear a mask and you’re fired!” Next.

Pennsylvania Generalisimo Gustav: Roger that, Godfather. We got a militia ready to roll for voter intimidation in Philadelphia, and another positioned across the street from a synagogue polling place in Pittsburgh.

GF: What! Across the street, you say? I want those Proud Boys within arm’s length of voters at that synagogue. What do think this is, a fashion show? And make sure they look like armed militia and not girl scouts selling cookies like last time. Next. Florida

Florida Generalisimo Adolph: Trouble, Godfather. There’s been a delay in the bill to require an original birth certificate plus a copy of their last four years tax returns from all voters.

GF: Delay. What do you mean delay? The Governor assured us this was no problem. He got everything arranged and lined up. Alright, forget it. I’ll call the SOB. He don’t play ball with us, he gets a tweet from you know who. Any other reports? How about you? Haven’t seen you before.

Christiane Notsopoor: Who me? Nah, no sweat. Latest Breakable News poll has The Boss leading by 12, as long as he stays alive. If he dies, his supporters say they’ll still vote for him.

GF: Breakable News, eh? That’s a good source, right? On our side?

CN: Oh sure. Like they always say over there, “Nevertheless, She Persisted.”

GF: Right, right. I’ve seen that on cars but never quite knew what it meant. Good work. Good work. You get the next Presidential Medal of Freedom from The Boss.

***

Sorry, we’re unable to provide additional taped transcript details since our undercover reporter was given the medal of freedom but apparently disappeared shortly thereafter. She was able to smuggle the tape out though in the beak of an undercover New Caladonia crow, also on our payroll.

And that concludes our coverage of the campaign for today. And remember, A Penny Saved is a Penny Earned, and if you believe that, given this economy, you’ll believe just about anything.

Good bye for now, Earthlings. And remember, despite today’s discouraging coverage, mostly fake though it may be, please, please vote…any way possible.

Breakable News/ Oct.10/ President Threatens to Prosecute All Available Democrats

October 10, 2020 by Stephen Altschuler Leave a Comment

Breakable News/ Oct 10/ Trump Threatens to prosecute all available Democrats before the election

BN staff are dropping like flies (no offense to any flies), but in keeping with our commitment to report fake news that is covered by almost no other news source in the world, today’s report involves a president who is absolutely under the gun and over the top. This is looking more and more like a WWI documentary, but Hollywood couldn’t write this stuff. Trump is ordering AG Bill Barr, better known as Wild Bill Barr, to indict as many Democrats as he can fit on a writ of habeas whatever, before the election 22 days from now. We attempted to interview AG Barr, but he was shaking so hard in his boots, words were unavailable to him. He issued several grunting noises over the phone that sounded like Koko the gorilla, only Koko was far more intelligible. So instead, we went ahead and interviewed a close relative of Koko’s named Little Koko since Koko Sr. passed in 2018.

BN: Little Koko, what do think about the president’s efforts to prosecute Democratic leaders past and present before the election.

LK: Look, where I come from, we would take that First Moron, hang him from a tree, and use him for a tetherball. That’s all he’s good for.

BN: A tetherball?

LK: I know that sounds harsh, but in the law of the jungle we respect all sentient beings. Trump is no sentient being, so yes, swat him this way and that like a tetherball. In the jungle we call a spade a spade, tit for tat, Quid pro quo. An eye for an eye. We don’t take no shit.

BN: Would you give him a fair trial?

LK: Has he given anyone a fair trial with his tweets and lies and career-busting nicknames, and the rest of his monkey business—no offense to our chimp cousins? In the jungle, it’s judge, jury, and executioner, and I can tell you, as a gorilla who knows, Trump is toast. And as toast, he’s in a panic. And when T rump is in a panic he does stupid things like wanting to take Democrats like Hillary, Obama, and even Biden to court 20 days before the election. That would be like Idi Amin choosing Tel Aviv for a vacation back in the day. Trump, who reminds me of Amin, should be committed to a mental hospital.

BN: Well, thanks so much Little Koko for your candidness and transparency. By the way, how did you learn to speak such good English?

LK: Ah, long story short: Watching old John Wayne movies.

BN: Right.

And that concludes our coverage of another of Trump’s rapid fire actions seemingly to deflect attention from his poor ratings in the polls.

In other news, 12 white supremacist terrorists were accused and arrested on charges of planning to kidnap and kill the Governor of Michigan. So far, there’s been no comment from the White House or Attorney General Barr’s office, neither of whom knew about the FBI infiltration. Trump reportedly did say he wanted to be thanked for the arrests, despite his never being informed of the agency’s efforts.

***

Today’s Breakable News recipe for the day: Bouillon tea

Ingredient: 1 or 2 Bouillon cube(s)

Instructions: Boil enough water to fill a cup. Pour.

Drop in one or two cube(s), to taste. Serve and drink. Caution: Those on salt-restricted diets should drink something else.

And that concludes another mis-informative edition of Breakable News for whatever day it is. We beg you to return tomorrow and be more misinformed than with any other news source (with the exception of the White House website and/or press secretary, or any tweets from the president himself).